I’m wondering how long “survival” mode will last.  At 16 weeks, it seems that the worst of my morning sickness is gone, although I still have evenings where all I can eat are saltine crackers and sour jellybeans.  I don’t remember it lasting this long during either of my other pregnancies – but it could also be that I’m taking care of two children while trying to squeeze in any moment of relaxation I can.  This has been the biggest challenge for me so far.  Any moment I have to myself, anytime they are playing nicely and quietly, any chance I can grab to curl up in bed with my Snoogle and my cat – well, that’s just it, I’m sailing off to dreamland.  Here’s what I’m not doing: laundry, housecleaning, cooking, de-cluttering, writing…I’ve had words running through my mind for two months but just can’t muster up the energy to sit down at the computer and put it on the “page”.  Want to know what else?  I haven’t been to church since Christmas – maybe once or twice.  So it would seem fitting that my soul feels like a little dried-up old prune.  I’m in desperate need of some spiritual food.  My patience has been very thin.  My fuse has been easily well-lit.  It is amazing how the act of “going it alone” can leave you feeling so very…directionless.  We’ve had some disappointments recently, things we’ve prayed for that God has simply not answered.  Or maybe he’s just saying, “Wait.”  In my heart I know He has the best for us – we’ve been tithing faithfully since last summer and He has always provided.  I was hoping we’d have that financial freedom back by now – the days in the city where we had zero debt and lots of money to spare – but home ownership and spending habits have us stuck in a rut.  I know no “quick fix” will get us out of it – and so I’ve had to make some hard decisions about my own personal spending habits – which means getting rid of temptation. Being an adult really sucks sometimes, doesn’t it??  I know these are the years, the long nights with no sleep and little children, tight finances and added stress from things that need to be replaced in our now 12 year old house…these are the years that we’ll look back on and laugh…and yet, back in the day when I was single and living in the city I somehow made $50 stretch for a week and survived.  Because I had to.  I’ve been praying for a heart change about my love for “stuff”.  I know this longing NEVER ends.  NOTHING will ever satisfy it.  I want so badly to be free of it – to be able to be grateful for what I do have – to take a break from being a consumer and needing the latest and greatest.  This is so much harder than it looks.  God tells us in Malachi 3: 10 Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my Temple. If you do,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, “I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test! and I believe it!  Some months I feel like I can see the tangible result, like an extra bit here and there from selling something in our house we don’t use anymore – or a nice tax return this time of year.  But some months, it’s enough to make everything work (when my husband makes a great living) and I wonder how it’s gone so quickly and where did it all go??  And so I know this is a time of sharpening for me, and in the end, I will see the fruits of what God is trying to teach me.  It seems fitting that this realization in my heart coincides with the greatest day we as Christians can celebrate, Easter.  Today, the day between Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday, is the “dark night of the soul”.  Today, when it seems utterly hopeless and you feel like you may not survive another trial or another piece of bad news, the morning will come, and with it, Christ’s resurrection from the dead and the hope of all we believe and trust in.  I downloaded the “Jesus Calling” app on my phone – I thought it would be a great way for me to get back into the Word after my long hiatus.  Today’s devotion said this: “…Signs of My Presence brighten even the dullest day when you have eyes that really see.  Search for Me as for hidden treasure.  I will be found by you.” I love that!  Hidden treasure.  Jeremiah 29:13-14 says: 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” On this Holiest of Holy weekends, may we remember that He’s already paid the price for our sins.  And the truth is, even if God isn’t answering your prayers in the way YOU think He should be, He’s there, in the quiet, in the doubt and temptation, even in the unfolded laundry. So I’ll keep praying for those things… God has said “Wait” or “Be Patient”…and so I will try.  Happy Easter, all.

I’m kicking off my 35 year jubilee on my birthday, March 11th.  I think I’ve realized why I make such a big deal about my birthday… Since the dawn of Facebook, there’s nothing quite like waking up to all the good wishes and love coming at you from all over the country.  As a friend said, “nothing like Facebook to make you feel like the Prom King or Queen for the day.”  And it’s true.  It’s YOUR day.  The day you came into this world and why not celebrate it?? In my case, my birthday has almost always fallen on the week of Spring Break.  This was hard, especially in college.  When my friends were going to Cancun or Padres I was driving…home.  To hang with my parents.  Nothing against my parents – my Mom always makes me her amazing banana pudding – but it’s just different than ringing in a new year on the beach with your friends. Well of course this carried over into my 20’s – lucky for me my crowd in Chicago always did birthdays up big (we’re talking renting out a room in a bar, special cocktails on the house, dancing till dawn) – and for my 25th my roomie Court orchestrated this huge surprise where my college friends Marla and Emily jumped out of my hall closet and spent the weekend partying it up with us.  What can I say??  I’ve been spoiled. And so, naturally, when Vann and I met I had to school him on Mander-palooza and how in my world birthdays actually last a month and it’s very important to stretch the celebrating out.  For my 30th Vann planned this fantastic party for me that was followed with hours of late-night karaoke (one of my very favorite pastimes and something I definitely don’t do enough) and always took me out to dinner at some of the most amazing restaurants in town.  Don’t get me wrong – a birthday doesn’t have to be fancy to be special – believe me, sharing birthday cake with my girls is now one of the best things about turning a year older.  I guess sometimes I just get my feelings hurt when my birthday rolls around because I’m afraid everyone is going to forget.  Just like all those years in school when it would just sort of…pass by.  Do I love it when friends suggest a lunch to celebrate?  Of course.  Yes, yes I do.  There’s something about having something organized for you instead of always doing the organizing for yourself.  And so this year, the girls are going to their respective grandparents and Vann is taking me to the Four Seasons for a night (where we got engaged and spent the night after our wedding) where we will have a glorious kid-free time and hopefully my morning sickness will stay away.  There might even be room service involved (also one of my favorite pastimes and something I don’t get to do enough).  After that we have a few days before one girlie comes home so we’ll spend Spring Break having dinners and quality time with our closest friends.  This is all good stuff.  I admit, sometimes I long for a late night of karaoke and some early morning mimosas and brunch…but I have a feeling those days will come around again.  For now, after how terribly sick I’ve been the first trimester of this pregnancy, I’m looking forward to a few days of no kids and nowhere to be.  That, truly, is the ultimate luxury, no?? And speaking of this pregnancy, I’d be remiss if I didn’t share one of the greatest ah-ha moments I’ve had as I’ve been one with my bed for the past 6 weeks.  For 3 years we’ve been unable to come to a decision about Baby #3.  So much uncertainty, so much limbo…and I have to tell you now…I feel such a great freedom in my heart.  Now I see what our family is, what it will be, and Glory, Hallelujah, we will move on from the baby-making stage of our marriage into the great, beautiful world as a family of 5.  No more questions, no more back and forth.  Just life with my hubby and my 3 babes.  I know the first bit of life adjusting to a newborn in the house will be hard.  Scheduling, drop-off, pick-up, Charlie starting Kindy, all these things TERRIFY me.  Breastfeeding, no sleep, the hubby stretched even more than he already is…it’s going to be a biotch at times and I know that.  But as we move on, as the baby starts sleeping through the night, and nursing either takes or it doesn’t, and I get my body back, slowly but surely – Lord this is our life and what a life it will be!!  It feels glorious to move forward.  And as I hopefully reclaim my hair color (because Oh you do not want to see my roots right now) and my appetite in this next week or so, I can’t think of a better gift to be given on my 35 year Jubilee. My brother and sis-in-law both have their 40 year Jubilee this year.  Our motto for 2013: Treat Yo Self. 

And so I shall.  Merry Jubilee, all!!