Month: January 2010

Jumping in With Both Feet

It’s no secret to you all that the transition from 1 to 2 has been hard for me. From learning how to breastfeed with a toddler demanding your attention, to recognizing that it’s ok to admit I’ve felt sad and overwhelmed (and it’s ok to seek help for those feelings), to the sheer number of physical ailments I can’t seem to find my way out of. True, my post-partum experience has not been a walk in the park.

Just at the moment I thought I was getting my second wind and coming out of this fog, I got slammed with this mother of a cough and cold that has totally wiped me out. I was reminded today that these things happen when you are rundown, and man, am I ever. As renewing as our roadtrip was a week ago, I have experienced a setback that truly rattled me. My loving husband gently reminded me last night that “[I] will feel better…in a week [I’ll] be back to [my] old self”…and he’s right, but today it feels like just another hurdle to overcome.

I have something kind of dorky to admit. I’m intimidated by my fancy double jogging stroller. True, I’ve had to take it easy (after I popped a stitch stupidly lifting it at 2 weeks post-partum), but now that I’m healed (I think) I’m just terrified to break the bad boy out. What if I look silly dragging it out on the street? What if Charlie refuses to sit in it? Will it feel like “too much” stroller?

I said all of this to Vann and I think he thought I was crazy. For goodness sakes, I moved to Chicago 10 years ago and knew only one person and had $1,000 to my name and NO JOB. You’d think I can handle THIS, right??

But I think that the stroller is just a metaphor for the bigger picture. I feel nervous and overwhelmed to “get out there” with the girls. A weekly trip to Mom’s Group…that’s one thing…but being out and about with a toddler and a newborn just seem insurmountable to me.

I also realize that I’ve really put myself out there on my blog and not a lot has been for my (or Vann’s) eyes only. When I sit here and type out my stream of consciousness I believe that those of you reading it actually care what I have to say. Hopefully you do, and hopefully, some of you have felt these same things and appreciate the “voice” I put to them. The truth is that I can’t do this alone. Friends have said this to me over and over again, but I think it’s finally hitting home. God sees me. He’s “got my number”, as a wise sister told me a couple weeks ago.

I think that I often expect that God doesn’t involve Himself in the mundane parts of being a mom. But actually, He does. I mean, how much easier would it be to get through the day if I imagined Him playing on the floor with Charlie and I in her room as the baby sleeps in the swing. If I imagined Him walking alongside me as I struggle to get the infant seat and Charlie to the car. If I imagined Him nuking chicken nuggets with me. Doesn’t that paint a picture of God that’s much more relatable? Because, really and truly, He is there, all the time.

Being sick has not allowed me the privilege (and that’s what it is) of loving and kissing on my sweet husband and precious girls. I still haven’t been able to shower Charlie with kisses since she’s been home and I hate that. I plan on making up for lost time ASAP.

I prayed today that God would give me enough time to have a quiet time and some reflection and prayer. And, lookie there…I hear Charlie yelling “Mommy! What you doing, Mommy???” A precious 30 minutes…You think that God appreciates a good blog??

T.G.I.F.

I can’t believe it’s already Friday. This week has flown by. It’s been great having a certain amount of freedom…no nap schedule to adhere to, the easy mobility of a newborn, etc…today Ella and I spent most of the day out in the ‘burbs at the mall. Between feedings in the well-appointed “Mother’s Room” at Nordstroms, I bought a gift for a friend and lucked into some more Stella McCartney for Babygap goodies at 55% off the retail price. Again, my toddler is more stylish than both of her parents in her dark-wash flared trouser jeans.

I really have to brag on Vann…last weekend’s roadtrip was JUST what we needed for some good ole reconnecting. It was so fun to chat about our dreams and desires after getting Charlie settled in with her grandparents. Ella was quiet in the backseat and we laughed and stopped for goodies on the way home. This week we actually had a DATE NIGHT, something I thought we might never have again. All in all, the timing worked out perfectly, and you know that Charlie has had the town of Birchwood, Tennessee wrapped around her little finger.

The best news of all is that I will be going with Vann on the PepsiCo Sales trip to Arizona this March. Remember the trips to Hawaii we’ve been so fortunate to go on? This year the destination is the W Scottsdale. And guess what else? It happens to fall on my birthday week, so you know that we’ll be living it UP. It will be the first trip we’ve taken that has nothing to do with being pregnant or getting pregnant, and I can’t wait. Charlie will go back to Birchwood and Ella will go to Mimi and Poppy’s in Texas. I see many glasses of champagne and trips to the spa in my birthday future.

Tonight we are taking Ella over to our sweet friends the Peterson’s for dinner. So nice to have a little adult conversation. Tomorrow, Charlie comes home and I can’t wait to shower her with kisses. Until then, I leave you with my favorite Christmas purchase, my Lululemon “Gather Together” jacket…a reco from my very cool friend Ms. Jen. I am obsessed with it! I think I’ll need to get another color…

Two Months and Counting!

Yesterday was Miss E’s 2 month appointment at the pediatrician’s office. Here are her stats:

Weight: 8 pounds 13 ounces

Length: 22 inches

I also got my first true smile yesterday as well! Ella is now pretty steadily going from 10:30 pm to 7 am and is awake and alert more and more during the day. She’s finally grown in to Babygap 0-3 (yippee) and is still sporting the faux-hawk (which you know we hope she keeps). She’s still pretty fussy in the evening but Dr. Monroe said somewhere around 13 weeks she’ll realize it’s fun being outside the womb…and stop being so high-maintenance.

Hmm. I’m not sure that’s possible, being my daughter and all. Here she is with her friend Gertie the Goat (Small Paul courtesy of Ms. Liz!)…

I’m Going Green

We drove Charlie to meet up with Nana and JJ on Sunday. Vann and I were worried that the “hand-off” would be emotional (on her part) and we’d have to stealthily “disappear”. Boy were we wrong! It was emotional (on my part), but she didn’t think twice about it. In fact, I think she was ready to see us go.

She’ll be there for a week, enjoying a change of scenery while I attempt to get the Christmas decorations finally put away and get my head on straight. Before she left I made her try this on, a tried and true Matilda Jane…in fact, one of my very first purchases (when she was only 6 months old). Charlie has been such a pill to dress lately. I think she’s become so used to staying in her pj’s or changing into her daily outfit (yoga pants and a long sleeved tee) that she’s fighting me at every turn to put anything “fancier” on, especially anything involving tights. If she only knew (or cared) how much Oilily is hanging in her closet…Hmm. I guess I should be pretty happy that I have another girl to dress. Actually, Vann will be happy. I am recycling, after all.

Psalms

Psalms 3:5-6 says, “I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side.”

Man. Isn’t that truth just amazing?

I haven’t been blogging because I just haven’t had much to give. Between caring for two small children, attempting to keep a somewhat organized home, and battling through my own personal demons, I might be at my lowest point in a very long time.

God has been very, very good to me. I am eternally blessed by so many amazing friends and family members. I have a loving husband who really, really tries to make me happy and who provides for our family. I’m cared for and supported.

Sometimes though, in life, it doesn’t matter how many times someone tells you “this too shall pass” or “it will get better, i promise!”…you just have to breathe it in, don’t you? You just have to let those dark thoughts come and sit with them so that you are at your most vulnerable and can rise again.

Here’s what most people won’t tell you about parenting: Sometimes, it really, really sucks. There. I said it. You die to yourself when you have kids, just like you die to yourself at the foot of the Cross. It is messy. It is exhausting. It is draining.

But as those “tens of thousands” draw up to defeat me each and every day, I will continue to lay my sin at Christ’s feet. My sin of anxiety, my sin of distrust, my sin of selfishness. And He will sustain me.

Happy New Year!!

Ok, so Vann and I are pretty lame.

Ella went down after her 11 pm feeding, as usual. Vann was snoozing on the couch after I forced him to watch some of the first season of “Glee” (totally late to the party on that one!). I was standing in the total darkness, terrified to turn the TV back on. Our small space really limits us in that sense, as her room (the office) is right off the den…I didn’t want to risk waking Ella, and I certainly didn’t want to stay up just to watch the ball drop if it meant I’d be pacing the floor with a restless newborn for the rest of the night…so, I went to bed at 11:30.

It’s the first time I haven’t truly rung in the new year in 10 years.

The great part is that at 6:45 am this morning, little Miss E was still asleep in her bed. I actually had to wake her. 10:45 to 6:45 = 8 beautiful hours. She didn’t sleep that entire time, obviously…there were a few times I woke up to hear her grumbling on the monitor…but she’d grumble for less than five minutes and then…silence.

I doubt this will be a trend at this point…could have just been a fluke, but it felt nice, nonetheless. Not too shabby for an almost 8 week old!!

When Vann ran out to pick up our dinner last night he came back and said our neighborhood was hustling and bustling. It’s good to know that the world outside continues, despite how much we might feel like we are stuck in the moment we are currently in. I told him that we will have date nights again…we will have time together as a couple…and we will make it out of the house on New Year’s Eve, possibly even dressed up and looking somewhat like humans.

We decided that last night was pretty indicative of where we’re at right now. What is the most precious commodity coming out of 2009?

Sleep.