My sweet girls.

I’m afraid Ella has fallen victim to the cough and cold monster. We’ve elevated her mattress, given her a vapor bath, and sent her through the roof with the bulb syringe…and the poor thing still sounds like she needs a prescription for anti-snoring medicine.

This isn’t the half of it though, because yesterday I got the “trifecta” of baby blessings. While feeding her a bottle in the early afternoon, as I was enjoying my DVR’d “Real Housewives of Orange County” episodes, she decided she’d had a little too much and promptly spit up on me…and I’m not just talking about a little spit-up…it covered me, my clothes, and everything in the vicinity. After I recovered from the shock, I stripped off my curdled milk clothes and dunked her in a bath. I bathed and towelled her little peanut self and placed her on the changing table, and JUST at the moment I was grabbing a diaper, she peed on me. And not just a little pee, but a GEYSER of pee.

After I recovered from the shock of THAT, I promptly called Ms. Lauren to see if this kind of behavior sounded like a stomach bug (please Lord, no) and when I hung up the phone with Lauren I took her temp (which you know makes babies feel the need to…you know) AAANNNDDD you guessed it, she pooped on me. And not just a little poo, but a MOUNTAIN of poo.

You would think that after such a collection of episodes I might need a stiff drink. Lucky for me, I had a bottle of Pinot Noir just waiting to be uncorked. And so I did. Needless to say, little E gave me a run for my money. And no, these things don’t get any easier…seasoned Mom? Ha! How about “Seasoned Purveyor of Infant Bodily Functions”?

* A phrase so hilariously coined by Auntie Em, who has seen it all…