Thanks to all of you for praying for Baby Ella and checking in to see how her evaluation went…it means more than you know.

So, here’s the scoop:

The therapists (one occupational, one speech) came over and spent about two hours observing Ella. I fed her lunch and she roamed a bit afterwards – they asked a crazy amount of questions and did a lot of scribbling in their notebooks. They were lovely – really made me feel at ease (especially after I greeted them by saying, “Ok, so I’m really nervous” while talking a mile a minute).

Ella is testing out at 9 months for some of her gross motor skills. She is not pulling up to standing or “cruising” yet, although since they were here she’s done a ton of pulling up to “high knees” (where her little behind is up off the floor) and seems to be slowly progressing in that area on her own. For her self-help, or “adaptive” skills, she is testing out at 7 months, but only because of her lack of self-feeding skills. After observing her during lunchtime, the OT seemed to think this particular issue might just be an issue of will – she likes to be fed, pure and simple. Is she just being stubborn, perhaps? I was relieved to find out that she doesn’t appear to have any texture issues and it’s a really good sign that she eats a variety of foods. I decided today to put her through a little feeding bootcamp and put plenty of food on her tray but did not feed it to her. So far, two meals down and we have a very cranky baby. Not sure if we’ll have success but I thought it was worth a try.

I was also really pleased to find that her social/emotional/speech skills are at a 12-14 month level. I told Vann – this proves she’s my child. Ha.

After the two hours were up, the therapists determined she officially “qualifies” for services. Starting next week, she’ll have weekly sessions. The good news is that given we’ve addressed this so early, she should hopefully be caught up in no time.

We do have an appointment scheduled with a developmental pediatrician. Apparently, these people are booked up 6 months in advance – when I first called they didn’t have anything until April. Yesterday, the office called to say they’d had a cancellation – January 17th. I took the appointment, hoping with all my heart that in a month’s time we won’t need it. I don’t know why, but the words “developmental pediatrician” feel like a weight sitting on my chest.

So I think that catches us up to speed.

Thanksgiving has come and went – for the first time hosting (ever), I’d say it went off without a hitch. I loved having a house full of family; Charlie and her cousins running amok and quality time spent with my brothers and sister-in-law’s. This is what we came here for.

And now the weather has finally turned and we light our fireplace every night. Our whole neighborhood was out on Sunday, putting out Christmas lights and wreaths – and last night we took our time driving home from a playdate, looking into all of the beautiful homes and admiring all of the sparkling trees inside.

So all I could muster up on Wednesday for my sweet baby girl’s birthday was a collection of pictures. I just couldn’t write that day – so much going through my head and so much to process. We had her 12 month check-up and were given a reco for a developmental pediatrician. She’s not self-feeding and is also not pulling up (in her crib or otherwise), pointing, or clapping. One of these things alone might not illicit much concern, but all of them combined have me a bit crazed right now. Like I’ve said before, all other signs point to the fact that Ella is a normal one year old. She’s crawling everywhere, getting into everything, babbles constantly, recognizes our pictures, so many other sweet and wonderful things. And I know that this is not the worst thing in the world – that she possibly just needs a little help to connect the dots and continue moving forward in her development. And maybe, I just need a brain break from it all…some time to pray and process and be quiet. There is a lot of noise in my head. No matter what, it’s NEVER easy to hear there is something wrong with your child.What’s amazing in all of this is God’s timing, as always. We had always planned on painting our kitchen and guest room this next week in preparation for the holidays. My Mom is keeping Ella for a week, starting this Sunday, and I’m just so thankful! Not only will Ella get someone’s undivided attention, but Mom can work with her on some of these things and help her begin to use the sippy cup (as we hope to wean off bottles soon) and will certainly have the patience and fresh eyes to do so.So I’m gonna say something that could be controversial: I can’t help but question if this is a result of something I’ve done. Have I not stimulated her little mind enough? Have I not given her enough attention? My heart is heavy with these questions and like I said, my brain is full of noise.I’ve never painted a room before, but I welcome the time to “lose” myself a bit this next week. Charlie has school, Vann will be at work…just some time alone with my thoughts and God. Hoping He shows me…well…something this week. My dear and precious friend Megan told me Wednesday that sometimes God doesn’t give us an answer, no matter how much we want to “fix” something. These are those times of total dependence I was talking about. Trust in His perfect plan for my girl. Trust that she’s going to be exactly who God made her to be. Please join me in praying for sweet Ella this week. Pray for a miracle! Pray for a breakthrough! Pray for our time with the ECI therapist on the 24th. Pray for some answers, so we know how to proceed. I think I’ll take a break from blogging for now – A

So you may ask, why all the pics of Baby E?  Well, they were from that day – decked out in her little “monster” fleece from the Gap – but really everything leads back to her. We’ve been attending a wonderful church here in Frisco called Hope Fellowship.  Even have a small group – everyone is lovely and have young kids and we look forward to getting to know them better. On Sunday Pastor John started a series about Elijah.  And oh my gosh – it was like God was speaking directly to me.  It was all about how God uses us in times of strife – how we don’t always know why things are happening but how God sees the whole picture and how we have to learn total dependence on Him. Going back to Saturday, it was a normal weekend day for us, except that Vann was at my grandmother’s house helping my family with the estate sale.  I stayed at home with the girls, and for whatever reason both of them were getting on my LAST nerve.  Baby Ella is: cutting multiple teeth, a nightmare in the high chair, seemingly whining ALL the time, and not quite steady on the tile floor, which causes a lot of bumped noggins and a lot of crying. I’m sitting there, feeding her baby food, again, and she’s spitting everything out.  Ok, I think, I’ll try some shredded turkey.  Or some cheese.  Or green beans.  Spitting.  It.  All.  Out. “Fine!”, I shout at her, “If you aren’t going to eat anything I give you then you can just go to bed hungry.  I really don’t care.” More crying. Something else to point out: Daylight Savings Time is a gift for all people except parents of young kids.  You may think you are getting an extra hour, but nnnnooooooo.  Not when your children are up at 6 am. So naps are all screwy and she is seemingly ready for bed and it’s only 5:30 pm.  Bedtime isn’t for another hour and a half. Still crying. I’m looking at her as she’s crying and this wave of anger comes over me.  I feel out of control.  I feel an amazing amount of resentment towards my sweet child and I realize that if I don’t get a moment to cool down – well, I would never hit my children but let’s just say that I understand how people can get to that place. I plop her in her crib and close the door.  She’s out in two seconds. I give Charlie her dinner and tell her that I’m going to go do something upstairs and to eat and I’ll be back. And I barely get up to the playroom before I’m collapsing on the couch with my head in my hands.  Screaming in my head – a deep longing for my child to have some independence.  The soonest Early Childhood Intervention can get out to the house is the day before Thanksgiving.  I had called already prior to my episode on Saturday.  I’m glad they’re coming.  I want to know how she’s doing, eating and all. Look, Ella is a bright and happy baby.  She’s super curious and loves to giggle and LOVES her older sister.  She plays and picks things up, she does all the things babies her age are doing. Except for feeding herself.  Except for clapping.  Except for pulling up on anything.  I can’t help that these three things concern me. And in my heart, I am resentful towards my baby.  I want to tell her to buck up, to be like other kids her age, to pick up a frickin’ cube of CHEESE for goodness sakes, anything! So back to Elijah, I realized that for whatever reason, this situation with Ella is my Kerith Brook: 1 Kings 17

Elijah Announces a Great Drought

1 Now Elijah the Tishbite, from Tishbe[a] in Gilead, said to Ahab, “As the LORD, the God of Israel, lives, whom I serve, there will be neither dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word.”

Elijah Fed by Ravens

2 Then the word of the LORD came to Elijah: 3 “Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan. 4 You will drink from the brook, and I have directed the ravens to supply you with food there.” 5 So he did what the LORD had told him. He went to the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan, and stayed there. 6 The ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning and bread and meat in the evening, and he drank from the brook. As Pastor John said, God put Elijah in a place of isolated pain – he had to have total dependence on Him.  God put Elijah in the Kerith Brook.  And right now, that’s what I feel.  God has me in this place – He’s trying to teach me something, about myself, about selflessness, about being a mother.  And all it feels like right now is a series of isolated pain.    Check out Pastor John’s sermon here. What is your Kerith Brook??

Ok, so I know that the upcoming season is not really about giving or getting gifts. I know that the TRUE reason for the season is the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ…but I can’t help but love it for many other reasons. It is such a glorious time, truly, by far my favorite time of year (next to Fall). I always get the blues a bit after New Year’s – I just adore decorating, picking out the perfect gift for your loved one, winter-scented candles – the works. I grew up in a very Christmas-centric family. Every year, for as long as I can remember, Santa’s left goodies under the tree. Milk and cookies were put out, even though we knew my Dad was the one to blame for the empty plate the next morning. We always hung stockings, and let’s not forget the freshly baked cinnamon rolls and hearty breakfast my Mom always made for us after the excitement of present-opening was done.Since Vann and I have been married, we’ve continued some of these traditions, stockings for one. We each get a budget and the challenge is to find all of those little, fun, unexpected goodies that you know will make each other smile. We’ve done bigger gifts as well: last year, in the heat of learning how to breastfeed and battling through those first sleepless nights (in an apartment that was way too small for our growing family), “Santa” surprised me with the most beautiful Louis Vuitton bag. It was such a special gift, a once in a blue moon sort of thing, painstakingly picked out by my caring hubby. I think he knew what our 2010 would look like – a Louis bag is certainly not going to be in Santa’s sleigh this year! And of course that’s ok. I find that I’m having a difficult time accepting that I won’t be able to do all of the things I want to do this year: replace our slim, apartment-sized tree with a bigger tree, buy all sorts of seasonal items to decorate our home, hang lights on the outside – these are just a few. I think it might be more prudent to pay off our appliances first. Boo.So as I sit here and think about my Christmas list (yes, I know I’m 32 but I still make one and probably always will – my love language is gifts, by the way) I’m trying to figure out which way to go.Cash is always nice. What person doesn’t want a little extra spending money around the holidays? Maybe I can ask Santa to call Sears and tell them to stop sending us bills? Do you think he’d just write them a check? I admit it’d help me sleep better at night. Or how ‘bout paying off the rest of what we owe on our car? I think that’s somewhere around $5,000. Do you think Santa has that kind of money?But I digress.There do happen to be a few small things that I’d like, but I’m still mulling it over. I keep telling myself that what we can’t do this year, hopefully we can make up for next year. And I guess the girls won’t really understand if Santa only brings them one gift vs. the three that I had decided would be “the” number (because, after all, if it’s good enough for Baby Jesus, it’s good enough for them)…Maybe my letter to Santa should read like this:Dear Santa,Can we just be frank?? Will you please erase the memory of our horrific move (emotionally and financially) and just let me go ahead and hang all the garland I want to this Christmas??Love, Amanda