So all I could muster up on Wednesday for my sweet baby girl’s birthday was a collection of pictures. I just couldn’t write that day – so much going through my head and so much to process. We had her 12 month check-up and were given a reco for a developmental pediatrician. She’s not self-feeding and is also not pulling up (in her crib or otherwise), pointing, or clapping. One of these things alone might not illicit much concern, but all of them combined have me a bit crazed right now. Like I’ve said before, all other signs point to the fact that Ella is a normal one year old. She’s crawling everywhere, getting into everything, babbles constantly, recognizes our pictures, so many other sweet and wonderful things. And I know that this is not the worst thing in the world – that she possibly just needs a little help to connect the dots and continue moving forward in her development. And maybe, I just need a brain break from it all…some time to pray and process and be quiet. There is a lot of noise in my head. No matter what, it’s NEVER easy to hear there is something wrong with your child.What’s amazing in all of this is God’s timing, as always. We had always planned on painting our kitchen and guest room this next week in preparation for the holidays. My Mom is keeping Ella for a week, starting this Sunday, and I’m just so thankful! Not only will Ella get someone’s undivided attention, but Mom can work with her on some of these things and help her begin to use the sippy cup (as we hope to wean off bottles soon) and will certainly have the patience and fresh eyes to do so.So I’m gonna say something that could be controversial: I can’t help but question if this is a result of something I’ve done. Have I not stimulated her little mind enough? Have I not given her enough attention? My heart is heavy with these questions and like I said, my brain is full of noise.I’ve never painted a room before, but I welcome the time to “lose” myself a bit this next week. Charlie has school, Vann will be at work…just some time alone with my thoughts and God. Hoping He shows me…well…something this week. My dear and precious friend Megan told me Wednesday that sometimes God doesn’t give us an answer, no matter how much we want to “fix” something. These are those times of total dependence I was talking about. Trust in His perfect plan for my girl. Trust that she’s going to be exactly who God made her to be. Please join me in praying for sweet Ella this week. Pray for a miracle! Pray for a breakthrough! Pray for our time with the ECI therapist on the 24th. Pray for some answers, so we know how to proceed. I think I’ll take a break from blogging for now – A
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Praying for you and Baby Ella now. Don't think that you have done anything wrong as it's not your fault. At the doctor's office that I work in, I see so many parents and I wished half of them cared about their children as much as you care about yours. I think it is a normal motherly thought process when you commented on questioning yourself on it being something you had done. I also had a scare with my little girl with low low white blood cell count. I prayed prayed and prayed about it. I also questioned if it was anything that I had done. You are a loving mother and a good person. I pray that God will give you strength and a peace of mind this week. I hope that you enjoy yourself and have a relaxing week. Let me know if you need anything.
Prayers for sweet Ella. I have no doubt that we will all question if we could possibly "mess up" our children. Or our husband. And no doubt our baggage is real. But God is bigger than that and he has his arms wrapped tightly around Ella – and no matter what – she is deeply loved by you and Vann and the Lord above. And that is good news worth celebrating.