72 degrees…in January??
Month: January 2011
Friends.
The Lord has really shown Himself the last couple of days. Ella’s OT appointment this week was wonderful – she’s getting stronger and is able to stand for longer periods of time and is building those little core muscles! We’ve been teaching her how to climb the stairs (not something you really want your toddler to do but in our case it’s a real blessing) and we’ve found that if we bend her leg and put her foot flat on the ground she is able to push herself up to the next step. One reason we’ve come to love our house so much is that it’s totally self-contained for the girls. We have two staircases, one in front and one off the kitchen, and as you come up the back stairs you pass the playroom on your way to the bedrooms. There is a series of catwalks instead of actual hallways, so the upstairs is almost entirely in the open air. This is great because if you close the baby gate by the playroom and the one at the top of the front stairs (the prom stairs, we call them), the girls can go wherever they want and be completely safe. The one small issue is that there are two sets of small stairs (only two steps) separating the guest area and the playroom from the catwalks, and Baby Ella hasn’t quite figured out how to get down these stairs the “safe” way. You can imagine my surprise as I’m on the phone with my friend Kim today and I look over and she is crawling up the two steps to the catwalk! She needed one teeny push at the end, but she did it, and it was so fun to witness that with a friend in earshot. We are very encouraged by this week and have really felt your prayers and support through this difficult process. I think about something all the time – that it’s no accident we are going through this with our family so close-by. I am extremely fortunate to have a willing mom keep Ella for me every now and again. This closeness is all new to me, and I don’t take it for granted for a second! I was so worried I wouldn’t find friends as wonderful as my Chicago crew – and have prayed so earnestly for a community here in our new city. Almost 6 months to the DAY we moved in God has blessed me HUGELY in the way of friendships. What with my college/post-college friends, neighborhood moms, MOPS, our new lifegroup (or small group, as we called them in Chicago), and lovely new friends as a result of mutual friendships…well…my cup runneth over. Saying goodbye to my Chicago friends was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It really was a great time of mourning for me. I know that sounds dramatic, but 10 years…that’s a long time to share with a group of people. Especially when you go through life’s major milestones together. My new friend Allison, who lives in my neighborhood, is a gorgeous mom of 3, ranging from 2 to 10. She and I hit it off immediately – I think I told the story about her picking me up for a mom’s night out back in August. I had contacted her through our HOA website about a playgroup – turns out that playgroup stopped meeting years ago, but she invited me to go out and we were instant friends. The little things, like being a lover of Louis Vuitton (as I am) and carrying 20 tubes of MAC lipglass in her purse (as I do) got us talking, but her sweet spirit and kind heart are really what connected us as moms and as women. At the beginning of the week I was feeling pretty down, and I posted on Facebook that I “felt defeated” and “could use some extra prayers today”. Not five minutes later, dear Allison called me to make sure I was ok. It was weird timing, because at that moment I just needed some encouragement, a listening ear…and God answered that prayer. So all of this to say, this “season” we are in is requiring a lot of support, kind text messages, and sweet friends checking in to see how we are doing as a family – and how Ella is doing. Believe it or not, motherhood can be very isolating. You spend your day giving and giving and giving to these little people and often times all you want is a conversation with an adult, or a glass of wine with another mom at the end of a hard day. To be able to connect and be understood…well, there’s nothing like it.
The Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very Bad Weekend.
Oh man. Where to begin? Our weekend was kinda terrible. Ella was a mess, and we ended it with a lovely fight on Sunday, our hardest day to get out of the house as a family. I admit it, I get distracted and often run late – usually it’s because something doesn’t fit right and I have to change clothes about 15 times. It’s very innocent on my part, but it drives Vann crazy. Crazy.
We get to church and we aren’t speaking and thankfully, the sermon was about MARRIAGE and it was so timely. The pastor gave the congregation a “scale of marriage”, the best being the “Delightful” marriage (the one where you are so good you could write a book about it), the worst being the “Dying” marriage (the one where you are basically on the brink of divorce and neither person wants to work on saving it). Between those two extremes, there were about 6 or 7 in between. The one we resonated the most with was the “Dizzy” marriage, where you are so busy with kids and work and schedules and the messiness of life that you have to work on bringing the JOY back.
I was relieved to know that we aren’t the only couple that struggles with this. After almost 5 years (I know, I can’t believe it either), Vann and I are constantly navigating each other’s complicated personalities. Neither one of us is easy to live with…but I can tell you that Vann is my best friend and there is no one in the world I would rather talk to at the end of a hard day. But joy? Joy can be hard to come by. Especially when each day feels like a chore.
The good news is that we came home and hashed it out. The bad news is that we decided to give Ella another feeding bootcamp and planned on waiting it out for 24 hours.
Very bad idea. Very bad.
We made it through lunch and dinner, but it was really hard. Poor thing cried for what seemed like forever at dinner, screaming and throwing her food and crying big fat tears. The purpose of this, was to “teach” her to feed herself. I kept staring at her thinking, “What IS going on with this kid? How hard is it, to lift the bagel to your mouth and take a bite? How flippin’ HARD???”
She cried so hard I was afraid she might burst a blood vessel or something – seriously, she was MAD. We put her to bed and spent the rest of the night hanging our heads and feeling extremely guilty. Parenting is fun!!
We caved the next morning. And then looked at each other and thought, “Really? What is this REALLY about?” Because what if this isn’t about “food” at all? What if it’s about reliance on God, as a couple, as parents…as individuals? What IS the big deal if she’s just not ready? Who is it really hurting – is it time for us to just sack up and let it happen when it happens?
I don’t know the answer. After yesterday, today was a walk in the park. She was actually in an amazing mood and smiling her sweet, toothy grin. Oh man, how that girl has me wrapped around her little finger.
And JUST at the point I thought I might break down, I practiced climbing the stairs with her, as our OT has instructed us daily to do…and she’s doing REALLY well. Like, to the point if we bend her leg and put her foot flat on the floor, she can PUSH up to the next step on her own. That’s pretty amazing.
Also, I propped her up on a rubbermaid bin and she took two very tentative steps to the side (what we call “cruising”) on her own. I did not prompt her to do it.
I was so proud of her I almost burst into tears. And I kept thinking, “Lord, when she takes her first step I’m gonna be a basketcase!”
Vann and I have started having the “family planning” convo again. I can see both sides. While in my heart I know that I desperately want another child, I’m concerned. A friend told me she was struggling with this same issue – “is it better for me to be a great mom to two or a mediocre mom to three?”
Not that I think my friend is a mediocre mom – not in the least – and hey, I’m not perfect by any stretch but I do think I’m pretty good at my job – but if I can’t handle “this” (“this” being the last 6 months of Ella’s life), than maybe I should just stop while I’m ahead. Maybe “this” is all I can do.
Today it was 55 degrees in the afternoon. I don’t say this to rub it in anyone’s faces – knowing the Texas summer is basically equivalent to the Chicago winter (so we do get it, don’t worry) – but this is the sweet spot in Texas as far as I’m concerned. Enough cold days to have the cold, but a 55 or 60 degree day here and there and it’s still nice enough to get out and walk in it.
Which we did today, because it’s been too cold to do it since Christmas and I’ve been missing the only cardio I really love. Hey, a double jogger, already at 40 pounds, plus 40 pounds of kid – that’s a lot of resistance! And I believe, the key to my body image success. So I’m out in it today, walking the girls to the park to swing, blasting Cee-Lo, Jay-Z, every song from “Glee”…breathing in the amazing fresh air…
…and it felt so good. Living life, making mistakes (lots of them), parenting small children…this “messiness” of life…well it wouldn’t really be living if you weren’t growing and changing, would it? God doesn’t want us to be comfortable, does He? Do we see Him more in those moments of mistakes and loss and frustration?
I am confident that all of this mess with Ella will work itself out. She’s going to be just fine. The journey is hard. And it sucks. But something tells me that when we look back on this time in the future, we’ll laugh at how we thought we’d never find our way out of it. It will be over all too soon, onto the next thing, because it’s always SOMEthing, isn’t it?
Update.
I wish that I could say I felt better after our appointment with the developmental pediatrician this past Monday. The news was basically positive: after a 3 hour evaluation of Baby Ella’s physical “skills” and behavior, the doctor determined there is no need for any further testing at this time. Meaning, there’s nothing really wrong with our girl. She doesn’t have any neurological issues that she can tell, and she looks/acts/behaves like any other normal baby.
I don’t know if many of you remember Ella’s dramatic entrance into the world: at 37 weeks my doctor feared my placenta had stopped working and decided she would be better off outside of my body rather than inside. For the latter half of my pregnancy, she was measuring small and I had a low-lying placenta (meaning it’s very low in the uterus, and can cover the cervix and cause preterm labor), but it righted itself (as they tend to do in most cases) and wasn’t an issue again until the very end. Now that we are in the thick of these delays, it makes sense that maybe Ella just needed to “bake” a little longer. At 37 weeks she was “technically” full-term, but I read somewhere that 5 pounds, 8 ounces (Ella’s birth weight) is the weight that determines whether a baby is a preemie or not!
Of course, you all know that she came home with us and spent no time in the NICU, but thinking back on her short life some patterns have emerged. She took forever to hold her head up during tummy time – much longer than Charlie. And she’s just teeny. They weighed her on Monday and she’s a flat 18 pounds – at 14 1/2 weeks! She’s not even forward-facing in her car seat yet!!
So it’s obviously great news that her delay may just be an issue of needing more time. And that I can handle and I know the therapy is doing wonders for her and I’m thrilled with the progress. But the eating thing is still a mystery, even to this woman, who is a specialist!!
There is no physical reason why Ella won’t feed herself. She has an excellent pincer grasp, has no sensory/texture issues, and is able to pick up anything she wants to. We’ve seen her lift things to her mouth, albeit slowly, but still. We got the ok from the doc to let one meal a day be an opportunity for her to feed herself, meaning no help from me. This is where that extra dose of patience comes in – she cried through lunch yesterday and it is so hard to listen to.
I need big prayers!! I really don’t know how much more I can take. I’m hoping that our “experiment” will produce great results. Trying to stay positive and remain calm. I would appreciate your prayers and am always hoping for a miracle!!
Fully Engage.
The house is a mess. We’ve spent the whole morning packing up Christmas, and I swear, the bins from last year have multiplied. Now the front of the house looks so empty!
Last night was a ball. Our dear friends Casey and Creighton came over with their sweet boy Marshall and spent the night with us. We thought it’d be a great way to celebrate the New Year without having to hire sitters and pay for an expensive meal. Instead, Creighton cooked these amazing steaks on the grill and Casey and Vann outdid themselves with a meal fit for a king. After the kids went down, we drank, played games, laughed, ate, and reminisced about the very first New Year’s we spent together, back in 2004. Ages ago!
Vann and I had just started dating – I would say we were in a very fragile state (you know, where you haven’t had the DTR convo – “Determining The Relationship”??) and I’m sure I was VERY nervous meeting all of his close friends for the first time. He had a party at his condo in downtown Chicago, and I distinctly remember feeling particularly fluttery about that New Year’s kiss. The next morning we met up with C & C for a traditional New Year’s Day brunch (you know, black-eyed peas and turnip greens?) and I got all dolled up (again, trying to impress) and I remember Casey showed up casual and I’m sure she thought I was REALLY into Vann at that point. We had a good laugh last night as I texted her before they came over and asked if she would be offended if I stayed in my comfies for dinner…to which she responded back, “I would be offended if you DIDN’T stay in your comfies!” Thattagirl.
So we renewed an old tradition by ringing in the new year with our great friends, truly, like family. We love you guys!
Ok, so I know it’s time to start talking resolutions, so here goes:
I really only have a couple. The first is to be fully engaged in community. This means our new life group at church, my MOPS group, my new and old friends, and all of the special women I’ve had the pleasure to meet since I’ve been here. Fully engaged. Do you know we didn’t make it to church once in December? I know. Shameful, right? What with sickness and company, we just didn’t get there…so that’s definitely something I want to improve on.
The other thing, or maybe things, as these have to do with each other – is to be kinder to myself and to take care of myself more. Anyone who knows me knows that I have issues with body image. My mother, God love her, has always had struggles in this area, so I grew up listening to her criticize herself. Of course this affected me – how could it not? I thought I would have a handle on it (my negative self-image) by the time I reached 30…and I don’t know if it’s the years of having my looks judged while pursuing a career in theatre and commercial work…facing rejection and not being able to compartmentalize…well, yuck and YUCK. Guess what, sister?? 33 is right around the corner. Who wants to live that way??
I’ve been hanging onto this little bit of Charlie weight since, well, she was born and I’m just so done with feeling sorry for myself. And here’s the thing, it’s so not about a number on the scale. Since I’ve been doing this bootcamp I’ve seen muscles in my arms I didn’t know I had. Now THAT’S a great feeling. I want to be in the best shape of my LIFE – and that means strong, and healthy, and comfortable in my clothes and in my own skin. So I set a goal for myself. My birthday, March 11th, is in 10 weeks, and I want to reach my goal by then. No more excuses. No more beating myself up.
I’m considering the monkey bread I’m eating right now to be the sayonara to 2010 – and I’m enjoying every bite of it, knowing I’m hitting it hard again this week. I’m ready to walk this new path, and I’m tired of killing myself because I have a bowl of ice cream. If I really want to do something about it, I have to actively change it. I have that power.
So that’s it. Fully engage, in community, in body, and in spirit. Doable, right??
