Oh man. Where to begin? Our weekend was kinda terrible. Ella was a mess, and we ended it with a lovely fight on Sunday, our hardest day to get out of the house as a family. I admit it, I get distracted and often run late – usually it’s because something doesn’t fit right and I have to change clothes about 15 times. It’s very innocent on my part, but it drives Vann crazy. Crazy.

We get to church and we aren’t speaking and thankfully, the sermon was about MARRIAGE and it was so timely. The pastor gave the congregation a “scale of marriage”, the best being the “Delightful” marriage (the one where you are so good you could write a book about it), the worst being the “Dying” marriage (the one where you are basically on the brink of divorce and neither person wants to work on saving it). Between those two extremes, there were about 6 or 7 in between. The one we resonated the most with was the “Dizzy” marriage, where you are so busy with kids and work and schedules and the messiness of life that you have to work on bringing the JOY back.

I was relieved to know that we aren’t the only couple that struggles with this. After almost 5 years (I know, I can’t believe it either), Vann and I are constantly navigating each other’s complicated personalities. Neither one of us is easy to live with…but I can tell you that Vann is my best friend and there is no one in the world I would rather talk to at the end of a hard day. But joy? Joy can be hard to come by. Especially when each day feels like a chore.

The good news is that we came home and hashed it out. The bad news is that we decided to give Ella another feeding bootcamp and planned on waiting it out for 24 hours.

Very bad idea. Very bad.

We made it through lunch and dinner, but it was really hard. Poor thing cried for what seemed like forever at dinner, screaming and throwing her food and crying big fat tears. The purpose of this, was to “teach” her to feed herself. I kept staring at her thinking, “What IS going on with this kid? How hard is it, to lift the bagel to your mouth and take a bite? How flippin’ HARD???”

She cried so hard I was afraid she might burst a blood vessel or something – seriously, she was MAD. We put her to bed and spent the rest of the night hanging our heads and feeling extremely guilty. Parenting is fun!!

We caved the next morning. And then looked at each other and thought, “Really? What is this REALLY about?” Because what if this isn’t about “food” at all? What if it’s about reliance on God, as a couple, as parents…as individuals? What IS the big deal if she’s just not ready? Who is it really hurting – is it time for us to just sack up and let it happen when it happens?

I don’t know the answer. After yesterday, today was a walk in the park. She was actually in an amazing mood and smiling her sweet, toothy grin. Oh man, how that girl has me wrapped around her little finger.

And JUST at the point I thought I might break down, I practiced climbing the stairs with her, as our OT has instructed us daily to do…and she’s doing REALLY well. Like, to the point if we bend her leg and put her foot flat on the floor, she can PUSH up to the next step on her own. That’s pretty amazing.

Also, I propped her up on a rubbermaid bin and she took two very tentative steps to the side (what we call “cruising”) on her own. I did not prompt her to do it.

I was so proud of her I almost burst into tears. And I kept thinking, “Lord, when she takes her first step I’m gonna be a basketcase!”

Vann and I have started having the “family planning” convo again. I can see both sides. While in my heart I know that I desperately want another child, I’m concerned. A friend told me she was struggling with this same issue – “is it better for me to be a great mom to two or a mediocre mom to three?”

Not that I think my friend is a mediocre mom – not in the least – and hey, I’m not perfect by any stretch but I do think I’m pretty good at my job – but if I can’t handle “this” (“this” being the last 6 months of Ella’s life), than maybe I should just stop while I’m ahead. Maybe “this” is all I can do.

Today it was 55 degrees in the afternoon. I don’t say this to rub it in anyone’s faces – knowing the Texas summer is basically equivalent to the Chicago winter (so we do get it, don’t worry) – but this is the sweet spot in Texas as far as I’m concerned. Enough cold days to have the cold, but a 55 or 60 degree day here and there and it’s still nice enough to get out and walk in it.

Which we did today, because it’s been too cold to do it since Christmas and I’ve been missing the only cardio I really love. Hey, a double jogger, already at 40 pounds, plus 40 pounds of kid – that’s a lot of resistance! And I believe, the key to my body image success. So I’m out in it today, walking the girls to the park to swing, blasting Cee-Lo, Jay-Z, every song from “Glee”…breathing in the amazing fresh air…

…and it felt so good. Living life, making mistakes (lots of them), parenting small children…this “messiness” of life…well it wouldn’t really be living if you weren’t growing and changing, would it? God doesn’t want us to be comfortable, does He? Do we see Him more in those moments of mistakes and loss and frustration?

I am confident that all of this mess with Ella will work itself out. She’s going to be just fine. The journey is hard. And it sucks. But something tells me that when we look back on this time in the future, we’ll laugh at how we thought we’d never find our way out of it. It will be over all too soon, onto the next thing, because it’s always SOMEthing, isn’t it?