I’ve never been a very faithful person. It’s a good thing I married a man who is.
Even though I am surrounded by people that love me – it’s so weird how easy it is to feel very alone. This week, sweet friends have really reminded me what faith is about…or, maybe, what it’s not about. Hebrews 11:1 says that “faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Faith isn’t about what God does for us but who He is. So in these moments when I feel alone, when I feel like nothing is happening or progressing – that’s when God is His most present.
I know I’ve said this before, but being a mom to small children can be very isolating. This is why mom’s groups and MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) exist: we simply can’t do it alone. I know there are a lot of blogs out there that make motherhood look perfect – that’s never been me nor will it ever be. I like to call it like it is because maybe, just maybe, someone else needs to know that they aren’t alone – that it’s totally normal to feel frustrated and inconvenienced and burdened at times.
What I was reminded of this week was that even if I feel like I am totally alone – God is there, standing by as I change diapers and pack lunches and give spankings and kiss boo-boo’s. When I think that nothing is happening with Ella and it seems bleak to me – God is there, with His hand on my shoulder as I step out of the room to take a breath when I feel like I might explode.
We have two pieces to Ella’s therapy:
1. Feeding
2. Physical – pulling up, cruising, walking
What has come to our attention this past week is that ECI, as wonderful as they are, may not be meeting the feeding needs we have – that’s where Baylor’s feeding clinic comes in. For friends who have prayed for the little surprises (Michelle) – we have received so much positive feedback about Baylor that we are very anxious to get Ella in for her evaluations. We have them scheduled, OT (occupational therapy – sensory, etc.) and PT (the actual physical movements of eating/bringing the food to her mouth) for the week after next.
I realize that this is a positive thing – the fact that we don’t have to wait months – but I am impatient and frankly, Ella is 15 months old and it’s time to do something drastic because it’s time for the girl to feed herself. It’s time. Get how I think it’s time??
The physical part of her therapy is being met by Ms. Rhonda, but we have been stalled the past few weeks because of the ice storms and Ella’s ear infection. So, not much has progressed this month.
The biggest question we have is, does it benefit her to be working on both things right now? Obviously, the feeding issue is priority #1. I don’t want to pause her physical therapy, but depending on the time commitment in regards to Baylor – well, there are only so many hours in the day and so many days in the week. And this mama needs “me” time, time with friends, a life – as do the girls. This is something I will probably ruminate about in the coming weeks, but my loving husband encouraged me to not let myself spin out of control, as I am wont to do 9 times out of 10. My greatest fear is being stuck in this house with therapists and a 3 year old with cabin fever and truly feel like a prisoner. See?? See how I spin??
I’ve heard that the people at Baylor take their job very seriously, that the parents are often the ones that struggle the most – you know, handing their kids off to the experts. I say, bring it. Please, take her! I recognize my limitations and I am fried. I need help!!
I have really missed my Chicago community this week. I think that has made everything a little bit harder – that although I have met so many lovely people here I would give anything to walk into my old mom’s group and sit down and cry and pray and work through it. The familiar…is comforting. Being the new girl and having to explain myself all the time…is not.
I just want to move on from this. If there is no glaring reason why Ella can’t feed herself, then damnit, let’s just move on from this!
It’s time. This next week I’m going to work on remembering that God is with me, always and forever, never changing. And I will try to have faith. I will really, really try.
