Sometimes I think I might be the WORST mother out there.  I’m not trying to get sympathy – just being honest.  I’m feeling super convicted tonight about the way I’ve been treating Charlie.  My mom suggested today that C’s frustrating behavior as of late could be due to the extra attention Ella’s been getting…and I think she might have hit the nail on the head.  All these months of struggle and feeding challenges and a 20 month old who is still not walking completely on her own – I wonder how my sweet eldest has dealt with all of it, emotionally.  I’ve noticed myself really praising E lately – especially as she has made such amazing progress and is doing so many cute things.  It’s sort of delayed, you know – all of these little milestones she should have reached months ago.  To see her putting the buckle of her car seat up to her ear and jabbering on to an imaginary friend – well, it’s just too much.  In a good way.  And Charlie?  She gets my raised voice, my impatience, my short temper.  She even gets shame.  Yeah, she had tinkled a little in her pants during rest time and when she came downstairs to tell me, I scolded her and hurried her into the bathroom to finish the job, scowling the whole way. Yuck. Not feeling too proud of myself tonight.  I just went up and checked on her and she’s lying sideways in the bed, deep in sleep.  She’s 3 for goodness sakes, and sometimes I expect so much more out of her – like she should just know better. The truth is, I should know better.  I’m the adult.  I’m the parent.  I’m the one who is supposed to know when to keep my cool.  I’m the one who needs to control my inner tantrum.  I’m the one who knows and recognizes my sin nature. I would throw myself in front of a bus for that little girl.  I would take a bullet for her.  Sometimes, when I think about her mortality I get a little weak in the knees.  I’m assuming she will be this little forever, that she will always be mine, that she will never  leave me. I want to love her better.  To put her needs above my own.  I want to love her unconditionally.  To be a safe respite for her – not a place of harsh words and disapproval.  I want to push my own selfishness aside and teach her the way. So, I’m praying for a better day tomorrow.  Do you ever have days where you feel like you have a lot to learn??  Where your selfishness reigns supreme??