I think it’s safe to say I’ve struggled with contentment most of my adult life.  At first, it was chasing down a dream of success and fame – starting out as a big fish in a small pond and then jumping headfirst into the ocean and having no idea how to swim.  Wanting to be recognized for the talent I was sure I had – but unsure of how to live with the scrutiny of the sharks.  But God was there.  Then it was wanting to find someone who would cherish me, love me, take care of me.  Someone who would walk me to my door at the end of a date, remember my birthday, make me feel like I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.  Someone who wanted me to be “the” one.  God was there, through all those sleepless nights. After I married my best friend – well, babies, of course!  Girls.  Especially girls.  I wanted to hold an extension of myself in my arms.  To be a mother.  To love something, really love something, give anything for and to this tiny person that was half Vann, half me.  God was there, as I delivered two baby girls over the course of four years.  Both healthy, teeny, fiery, salty, spirited, precious creations.  Our apartment in the city was too small.  I wanted to be closer to family, to my Mom and Dad.  I wanted to be able to drive to see my brothers, sister-in-law’s, niece and nephew.  I wanted to feel the warmth and safety of suburban life.  The space, the ability to stretch out and grow if we so desired.  And yep, God was there – in the midst of a cross-country move and our first house and all that entailed starting from scratch. And so here we are.  We’re in our spacious home, and we have all that we could EVER need – and I find that I still struggle with and focus on the things that I DON’T have versus the things that I DO have. For instance: why isn’t MY tree as beautifully decorated as her tree?  Why is she able to afford those shoes and I can’t?  Why aren’t we able to take that big trip we’d like to take, and they can?  Why did we buy a house that needs updating?  What if it takes us awhile to redo our bathroom and replace the appliances in our kitchen?  Why is that person doing that play and I’m not?  Why is that person able to sing like that and I can’t?  And of course, why is she skinnier than me, able to eat more junk food than me, sporting those Cameron Diaz arms I covet so much – oh, the list goes on and on.  But here’s the truth: the Devil loves this.  He LOVES this.  He can’t believe how great his luck is – I’m his perfect target.  All he has to do is whisper one lie and my brain goes into free-fall.  It only takes one little push.  And he’s won. But only for the moment, because God is there.  And this morning, during worship at church, my heart was stirred.  Through the music, the singing, the clapping, the heavenly praise, I felt God’s presence.  His gentle hand on my shoulder.  His loving embrace.  Here’s another truth: NONE OF IT MATTERS.  Do you get that?  I’m pretty hard-headed and I’m almost 34 years old – but I think I’m beginning to understand.  So I wish I had been the next Kate Winslet, so I wish I could eat donuts until I’m blue in the face and not gain an ounce, so I wish I kept a cleaner home, so I wish I never yelled at my children.  SO.WHAT? What matters, truly, is that I am loved by the Son of God.  He sees the big picture.  He knows what my purpose is on this Earth.  He has trusted me with this life, this family, this home – and all of this is exactly what He has for me, where I’m supposed to be, right now.  He is the One who is supposed to sustain me.  Not a pair of red-soled shoes, hand-scraped hardwood floors, or a prestigious role on Broadway.  And when I can finally get that through my thick skull, hopefully the rest of it will fade away.  It won’t matter.  Because He matters.  Holy are you, God Holy is Your name With everything I’ve got, My heart will sing how I love You…