Charlie got sent to the office at her preschool last Friday.  For hitting.  Fantastic.  She had a little trouble at the beginning of the school year, in September – but after a few weeks she was excelling.  We finished the semester on a really high note and received the sweetest letter from her teacher praising her “warm heart and wonderful spirit” and ended it by saying she thought Charlie was a strong, determined girl who would go on to do GREAT things in life. Well, of course that had me bawling.  Because Vann and I like to think we know our little girl.  I’ve written many, many times on this blog about my eldest.  She is a strong-willed child, always has been.  She’s smart, quirky, kind-hearted, and full of boundless energy.  Putting both of our girls in preschool was one of the greatest decisions we’ve ever made, but especially for Charlie – who loves school and loves learning.  She is an incredibly social child, loves her “friends” (she even calls her babysitters that) and feeds off of other people.  She needs that interaction.  Sounds a lot like me – although truth be told, she really is Vann’s mini-me in every other way. So, yes, I know I’m not the only parent to ever receive a bad report about their child at the end of a school day.  And we’ve had our struggles with her behavior before.  But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.  And I have a really hard time separating my child’s behavior from my parenting – my worth as a Mother. Have you ever felt that way? I know in my heart what a lovely child Charlie is.  And I’m really trying to NOT beat myself up for all of this and give myself grace – but I’m sorry – it is debilitating to even THINK I’m being judged because Charlie doesn’t have complete control over her emotions at 4 years old.  We are doing everything we can think of to support her teacher’s efforts.  She had privileges taken away.  She spent the entire weekend without her army of stuffed animals in her bed – her most prized possessions.  She didn’t get to go to the park on Friday after school, or watch TV, or have books at bedtime.  We’ve both talked at length with her about her behavior and how we are supposed to treat our friends.  She got a spanking, even. So imagine my face when she comes up to me this weekend and tells me she’s pooped in her pants.  And then proceeded to do it 3 or 4 more times.  Really???  Cause she’s been potty-trained now for almost 2 years.  Infuriating. At her 4 year well check-up last September, I asked her pediatrician “when” she will cross over that invisible line into the land of a-teeny-bit-more-maturity-ville.  She told me that somewhere between 4 and 5 they (speaking in generals here) start to change.  I talk to her all the time about being a leader.  That’s one of the things her teachers praises her for constantly – that she’s a great leader in her class.  I know that will serve her very well in life.  If only we can harness her energy and teach her how to use it for good and not for evil.  Ha! I felt a little bit like I was falling down a well earlier today.  When I called her doc to get her insight on what’s been going on with Charlie, she asked us to come in this week so we can speak face to face.  My mind went there – you know, that she just doesn’t want to tell me over the phone that there is something wrong with my child.  I’m sure it’s more that she just wants all the facts so she can equip me with the tools I need to parent Charlie in the best way.  Ugh.  Who wants a drink?  I’m popping the cork right now.