I’m wondering how long “survival” mode will last.  At 16 weeks, it seems that the worst of my morning sickness is gone, although I still have evenings where all I can eat are saltine crackers and sour jellybeans.  I don’t remember it lasting this long during either of my other pregnancies – but it could also be that I’m taking care of two children while trying to squeeze in any moment of relaxation I can.  This has been the biggest challenge for me so far.  Any moment I have to myself, anytime they are playing nicely and quietly, any chance I can grab to curl up in bed with my Snoogle and my cat – well, that’s just it, I’m sailing off to dreamland.  Here’s what I’m not doing: laundry, housecleaning, cooking, de-cluttering, writing…I’ve had words running through my mind for two months but just can’t muster up the energy to sit down at the computer and put it on the “page”.  Want to know what else?  I haven’t been to church since Christmas – maybe once or twice.  So it would seem fitting that my soul feels like a little dried-up old prune.  I’m in desperate need of some spiritual food.  My patience has been very thin.  My fuse has been easily well-lit.  It is amazing how the act of “going it alone” can leave you feeling so very…directionless.  We’ve had some disappointments recently, things we’ve prayed for that God has simply not answered.  Or maybe he’s just saying, “Wait.”  In my heart I know He has the best for us – we’ve been tithing faithfully since last summer and He has always provided.  I was hoping we’d have that financial freedom back by now – the days in the city where we had zero debt and lots of money to spare – but home ownership and spending habits have us stuck in a rut.  I know no “quick fix” will get us out of it – and so I’ve had to make some hard decisions about my own personal spending habits – which means getting rid of temptation. Being an adult really sucks sometimes, doesn’t it??  I know these are the years, the long nights with no sleep and little children, tight finances and added stress from things that need to be replaced in our now 12 year old house…these are the years that we’ll look back on and laugh…and yet, back in the day when I was single and living in the city I somehow made $50 stretch for a week and survived.  Because I had to.  I’ve been praying for a heart change about my love for “stuff”.  I know this longing NEVER ends.  NOTHING will ever satisfy it.  I want so badly to be free of it – to be able to be grateful for what I do have – to take a break from being a consumer and needing the latest and greatest.  This is so much harder than it looks.  God tells us in Malachi 3: 10 Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my Temple. If you do,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, “I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test! and I believe it!  Some months I feel like I can see the tangible result, like an extra bit here and there from selling something in our house we don’t use anymore – or a nice tax return this time of year.  But some months, it’s enough to make everything work (when my husband makes a great living) and I wonder how it’s gone so quickly and where did it all go??  And so I know this is a time of sharpening for me, and in the end, I will see the fruits of what God is trying to teach me.  It seems fitting that this realization in my heart coincides with the greatest day we as Christians can celebrate, Easter.  Today, the day between Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday, is the “dark night of the soul”.  Today, when it seems utterly hopeless and you feel like you may not survive another trial or another piece of bad news, the morning will come, and with it, Christ’s resurrection from the dead and the hope of all we believe and trust in.  I downloaded the “Jesus Calling” app on my phone – I thought it would be a great way for me to get back into the Word after my long hiatus.  Today’s devotion said this: “…Signs of My Presence brighten even the dullest day when you have eyes that really see.  Search for Me as for hidden treasure.  I will be found by you.” I love that!  Hidden treasure.  Jeremiah 29:13-14 says: 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” On this Holiest of Holy weekends, may we remember that He’s already paid the price for our sins.  And the truth is, even if God isn’t answering your prayers in the way YOU think He should be, He’s there, in the quiet, in the doubt and temptation, even in the unfolded laundry. So I’ll keep praying for those things… God has said “Wait” or “Be Patient”…and so I will try.  Happy Easter, all.