Preschool is over and I officially have a Kindergartener on my hands…for the whole summer.  Oy.  We have just over 100 days until sweet Blueberry arrives.  And truth be told, we are in total survival mode over here.  I feel like I’m steeling myself – for the long, hot summer. for the lack of cold beers and delicious, fruity patio beverages. for the sibling bickering and the screaming. for the stacks of bins that need to be organized and gone through. for the lack of truly cute clothes to wear during the upcoming 90 degree days.  (I mean, I do have some things but c’mon, maternity clothes as a whole are not the pinnacle of fashion…) for the soon-to-be nursery, big girl bed for ella, not to mention potty training (which we’ve abandoned until further notice)…yeesh.  Probably no surprise that I’m a little nervous about how this is all gonna go down. But I know it will all get done, and even if it doesn’t, it’s ok.  Blueberry will survive, and so will we. So I’m somewhat prepared to face the demons: In June we have two weeks of swim lessons and two weeks of VBS for Charlie.  $1 movies at the local theatre every Wednesday.  Park and splash pad playdates with friends.  Half-day Fridays with Daddy.  A baby shower for my sweet Sis-in-Law.  Father’s Day.  And the most fantastic girl’s night – NKOTB, Boyz II Men, and 98 Degrees.  Oh yeah. July kicks off with Vann’s birthday weekend – my p’s will be keeping the girls – hallelujah and the best present for my hard-working hubby.  We have dinner plans with friends and probably just some good old fashioned time together (what’s that?? – you might ask, I do) and then Vann and the girls make the long roadtrip to TN for the 4th of July weekend.  I’ll be staying back to work on consignment stuff and the nursery.  After that Charlie has science camp and we’ll probably be at the pool – hopefully with two well-adjusted water lovers in tow.  At the end of July/early August, the girls will go back to TN for some more Nana & JJ (Vann’s p’s) time, so we can wrap up any loose ends and I can finish the great purge of clothing I have planned.  My sweet friends are throwing me a shower (can’t WAIT for that) and then Charlie has a week of Kinder camp at her old preschool to “get to know” Kindergarten and all that it entails.  And then, BOOM – the 26th of August I have a “big girl” starting “big school”.  My due date is officially September 16th – but with a repeat scheduled c-section it will most likely be around the 9th, which is one of the busier months of birthdays in our combined clan – 3 in just that week, not counting this little one!  Which means that 3 weeks from the start of “big school”, we will most likely be holding the sweet precious girl who is presently giving me terrible heartburn and insomnia.  Thanks chica. Seems like a really, really long time to still be pregnant, and I’m sorry if I complain – I don’t like to sweat and I don’t like to be hot.  So I probably won’t be the most fun gal these next 100 or so days.  And it might be quiet around here.  I don’t anticipate a rush of blogging on my part. This is just a season, I think.  Where I’m not sure I have much to say.  And that’s ok.  I’ll still be here.  Surviving.  Floating through the summer, trying to keep things cool. Pray for me!!

I’m guessing it’s the pregnancy hormones that have me so “off” lately…but I’m just so damn sensitive these days.  It doesn’t take much to send me on a downward spiral of frustration, sadly, and Facebook can often be the culprit to my turn in mood. It seems like there are a million and one articles out there about how Facebook/Instagram/Twitter can make you feel as though you are really lacking experiences/things/people in your life, because all you see are the “good” moments (i.e. the glowing family pic but not the fight you all had in the car on the way to take it) and not the messy ones.  I admit, there are times where I read friend’s status updates about their kids and how unbelievably well-behaved they are all the time and I think it’s got to be a big lie, right?  Or that you’re a Mom and you really love being with your kids 24/7 and never, ever need a break to be around other adults and talk about adult things.  Is it just me?  I don’t know what the answer is to this question of contentment.  I love Facebook for so many reasons, one being keeping up with my dear friends in other parts of the country.  One of my favorite, favorite things is seeing pictures of all those moments that I can’t be there for – the first day of Kindy, Daddy/Daughter dances, the births of new babies and even date nights where my girlfriends and their hubbies enjoy a little time away – it’s awesome knowing you can still “be a part” of those memories even if you live in another state. But what I don’t love about myself, and this is the icky part – is how jealous I feel when I see vacation shots and girl’s getaways and things like that – the experiences that aren’t a priority for us these days because we’re having a baby and I’m pregnant – and (gasp!) can’t partake in a poolside/patio margarita.  Boo.  I’m not someone who can’t be happy for others, really, I’m not!  I just have a deep-rooted issue with contentment – that stems from an early childhood of moving a lot and never feeling settled.  Sometimes I can’t even trust in the friendships I’ve made here in the last 3 years.  I truly and honestly struggle with and deeply fear being left out of things.  I’ve learned how to (somewhat) manage it over the years – but when I’m feeling down and my (emotional life) immune system is suppressed, it always comes back – and maybe that’s because the Devil knows what’s in the details.  He knows where to cut me, and I never fail to bleed when he does.  I told Vann yesterday that I think some of this has to do with weaning off my meds (I like to say “happy pills” although I don’t think he appreciates that term) right around the time I got pregnant.  The lows just seem a little lower than they normally would be, and accepting that it’s more than just a bad day helps me cope a little better.   The truth is that I’m sure we all struggle a little bit with the illusion of social media.  Everyone always looks like they’re having a better time than you – am I right?  There’s always someone who: dresses better than you do has more money than you do lives in a prettier house than you do drives a nicer car than you do eats more organically than you do has better biceps than you do is skinnier than you are has better behaved kids than you do reads their bible more than you do has dinner on the table every night at 6 is a supermom and does it effortlessly never wants time away from her family keeps a cleaner house than you do has all matching appliances can eat what they want and not gain a pound has full-time help and never ever complains.  Have you thought any of these things this week?  Maybe if we focused on the good things in our lives and all the blessings we’ve been given we’ll be less concerned that this isn’t our final stop we can’t take any of it with us and as you get to your mid-30’s and just want to stop trying so damn hard you realize the people truly worth being with will want to “do life” with you as much as you want to “do life” with them.  And if you can just accept your imperfections and relish in the messiness of life you’ll get so much more out of it than you ever thought.  This Mother’s Day, I’m hoping to gift myself with a great big HEAPING dose of grace.  To take a deep breath and stop all the struggling.  Happy Mother’s Day, friends.