I really didn’t think I’d do much blogging this summer – but something has been on my heart these past few weeks especially and after I read this post by my favorite blogger Glennon Melton this morning – I just had to sit down and put the pen to paper, so to speak. The way she writes about her struggles with depression and anxiety – oh my goodness it’s as if she was here in my kitchen and I was telling her about this summer and how I am just not doing well at ALL.  Looking back on these last 35 years I think it’s pretty safe to say depression has been a friend of mine.  I waded through it in my early 20’s and after a pretty scary bout with suicidal thoughts got on meds for a time and found it really helped.  Years later, I had PPD after Ella was born and I really don’t know how I could have come back otherwise.  The meds and a combination of lots of vitamin D, pounding the pavement with the double stroller and my mom’s group at church – well as a dear friend told me at the time, “for such a time as this” – I unashamedly stayed on those meds and only weaned off them this past January when I found out I was pregnant with baby #3.

I am a sensitive soul on a normal day, but this summer has been a real beating on my self-esteem and self-awareness.  I can’t seem to think straight – and as Glennon says in her post – “slogging through Jell-O” is EXACTLY the way it feels on a bad day. Don’t get me wrong – the bad days aren’t EVERYday – but they are quite often.  And no matter how much I pray, or talk through it with God, or my precious, patient husband – I have come to realize that I am just a much better mother, friend, daughter, sister – on my medication than off.  And that’s just the truth.  On the bad days, I feel like I can’t seem to discern what’s real and what’s not.  Obsessing over what people think or don’t think has become a real problem for me.  Add pregnancy hormones and triple digit temps and y’all – I am just a freakin’ mess over here.  I HATE feeling out of control.  This isn’t me.  I consider myself to be a pretty blessed and lucky gal, with a great family and a husband who provides a wonderful home and life for me and our (soon-to-be) 3 girls.  I believe in a great big HUGE God who created me and loves me and doesn’t make mistakes.  Fearfully and Wonderfully made.  I recognize that this is a lot to take in for some people.  For me, it’s about being brave and sharing the deepest parts of my heart.  Life is just too short, am I right? So I’m doing the best I can, as I suspect we ALL are.  Some of us just need a little extra help.  And that, my friends, is totally and completely ok.