There are about a million other things I should be doing right now (if you’ve seen my kitchen you know how quickly the dailies catch up with me) but I can’t get something out of my head.  Ever since I attended Hope Spoken, I’m struggling to get back up on the mountaintop.  The weekend was so beautiful and so Spirit-filled – “this HAS to be what Heaven is like”, I heard a million times over – it’s hard to adjust back to real life. “Tell Your Story” – that’s what Hope Spoken was about.  One night, a year ago, after I read Casey’s blog, I felt the Holy Spirit’s whisper on my heart.  I knew I needed to be buy a ticket to this conference she wrote about – no matter that it was a full year away and I didn’t know one other soul that was attending – I had to go. Last year was a tough one, maybe the hardest in our 8 year marriage.  Despite the addition of our precious Vivie, pregnancy was difficult and life with a newborn and two other children was a huge learning experience.  My mental health the past 4 years has not been the best.  I struggle daily with my insecurities and second guessing.  I am swift to criticize myself.  I was always sensitive, even as a little girl.  Vann always tells me my expectations are too high – that no one can ever live up to what I imagine in my head.  I think empathy plays a big part in that – I never understand why people don’t do things the way I do them.  Or I often find myself being the pursuer in friendships – because I crave intimacy so much, I’ll knock you down to get it.  And I realize I spend so much of my time pursuing, hustling, if you will – and all the while, the Lord is pursuing me.  My Jesus is following after me with so much love, and so much care, and I keep saying (as I do to my kids), “I’ll be right there, hold on a minute, give me a sec”.

One of the biggest lessons I came away from Hope Spoken with is that my ministry for now, is my family.  Trust me when I say, that is no small feat.  I recognize and appreciate the massive responsibility raising three little lives is.  It’s hard to hear that voice say “Wait.  Not now.”  I am impatient and I think I know best for my life.  I want instant gratification.  I want my whole life now. My Mom shared a great analogy with me the other day – what would it be like if we thought of our lives as a great tapestry?  We are underneath and we can’t see the final product – but the Great Weaver can.  He sees all of the beautiful colors, the stories woven together to make a grand, glorious work of art.  We want to see that entire tapestry now.  At least, I do.  Sometimes I think, why bother writing when maybe only a handful of people care about what I have to say anyway?  But a wise, beautiful friend of mine recently told me that she thinks of her writing as her art.  No matter who is reading it, whether it’s one person or 20,000, writing for God is why she sits down and puts her thoughts on the page. And so it seems to me, if I can start offering up to God my simple musings, my ministry – that hopefully at some point – something ministers to you.  If one person resonates with what I have to say then it will be worth it.  Proverbs 3: 5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” The Great Weaver knows where my story goes from here.  My Jesus pursues me, His creation – I am exactly who He created me to be and am exactly where He wants me to be.