Oh man. Where to begin? Our weekend was kinda terrible. Ella was a mess, and we ended it with a lovely fight on Sunday, our hardest day to get out of the house as a family. I admit it, I get distracted and often run late – usually it’s because something doesn’t fit right and I have to change clothes about 15 times. It’s very innocent on my part, but it drives Vann crazy. Crazy.

We get to church and we aren’t speaking and thankfully, the sermon was about MARRIAGE and it was so timely. The pastor gave the congregation a “scale of marriage”, the best being the “Delightful” marriage (the one where you are so good you could write a book about it), the worst being the “Dying” marriage (the one where you are basically on the brink of divorce and neither person wants to work on saving it). Between those two extremes, there were about 6 or 7 in between. The one we resonated the most with was the “Dizzy” marriage, where you are so busy with kids and work and schedules and the messiness of life that you have to work on bringing the JOY back.

I was relieved to know that we aren’t the only couple that struggles with this. After almost 5 years (I know, I can’t believe it either), Vann and I are constantly navigating each other’s complicated personalities. Neither one of us is easy to live with…but I can tell you that Vann is my best friend and there is no one in the world I would rather talk to at the end of a hard day. But joy? Joy can be hard to come by. Especially when each day feels like a chore.

The good news is that we came home and hashed it out. The bad news is that we decided to give Ella another feeding bootcamp and planned on waiting it out for 24 hours.

Very bad idea. Very bad.

We made it through lunch and dinner, but it was really hard. Poor thing cried for what seemed like forever at dinner, screaming and throwing her food and crying big fat tears. The purpose of this, was to “teach” her to feed herself. I kept staring at her thinking, “What IS going on with this kid? How hard is it, to lift the bagel to your mouth and take a bite? How flippin’ HARD???”

She cried so hard I was afraid she might burst a blood vessel or something – seriously, she was MAD. We put her to bed and spent the rest of the night hanging our heads and feeling extremely guilty. Parenting is fun!!

We caved the next morning. And then looked at each other and thought, “Really? What is this REALLY about?” Because what if this isn’t about “food” at all? What if it’s about reliance on God, as a couple, as parents…as individuals? What IS the big deal if she’s just not ready? Who is it really hurting – is it time for us to just sack up and let it happen when it happens?

I don’t know the answer. After yesterday, today was a walk in the park. She was actually in an amazing mood and smiling her sweet, toothy grin. Oh man, how that girl has me wrapped around her little finger.

And JUST at the point I thought I might break down, I practiced climbing the stairs with her, as our OT has instructed us daily to do…and she’s doing REALLY well. Like, to the point if we bend her leg and put her foot flat on the floor, she can PUSH up to the next step on her own. That’s pretty amazing.

Also, I propped her up on a rubbermaid bin and she took two very tentative steps to the side (what we call “cruising”) on her own. I did not prompt her to do it.

I was so proud of her I almost burst into tears. And I kept thinking, “Lord, when she takes her first step I’m gonna be a basketcase!”

Vann and I have started having the “family planning” convo again. I can see both sides. While in my heart I know that I desperately want another child, I’m concerned. A friend told me she was struggling with this same issue – “is it better for me to be a great mom to two or a mediocre mom to three?”

Not that I think my friend is a mediocre mom – not in the least – and hey, I’m not perfect by any stretch but I do think I’m pretty good at my job – but if I can’t handle “this” (“this” being the last 6 months of Ella’s life), than maybe I should just stop while I’m ahead. Maybe “this” is all I can do.

Today it was 55 degrees in the afternoon. I don’t say this to rub it in anyone’s faces – knowing the Texas summer is basically equivalent to the Chicago winter (so we do get it, don’t worry) – but this is the sweet spot in Texas as far as I’m concerned. Enough cold days to have the cold, but a 55 or 60 degree day here and there and it’s still nice enough to get out and walk in it.

Which we did today, because it’s been too cold to do it since Christmas and I’ve been missing the only cardio I really love. Hey, a double jogger, already at 40 pounds, plus 40 pounds of kid – that’s a lot of resistance! And I believe, the key to my body image success. So I’m out in it today, walking the girls to the park to swing, blasting Cee-Lo, Jay-Z, every song from “Glee”…breathing in the amazing fresh air…

…and it felt so good. Living life, making mistakes (lots of them), parenting small children…this “messiness” of life…well it wouldn’t really be living if you weren’t growing and changing, would it? God doesn’t want us to be comfortable, does He? Do we see Him more in those moments of mistakes and loss and frustration?

I am confident that all of this mess with Ella will work itself out. She’s going to be just fine. The journey is hard. And it sucks. But something tells me that when we look back on this time in the future, we’ll laugh at how we thought we’d never find our way out of it. It will be over all too soon, onto the next thing, because it’s always SOMEthing, isn’t it?

I wish that I could say I felt better after our appointment with the developmental pediatrician this past Monday. The news was basically positive: after a 3 hour evaluation of Baby Ella’s physical “skills” and behavior, the doctor determined there is no need for any further testing at this time. Meaning, there’s nothing really wrong with our girl. She doesn’t have any neurological issues that she can tell, and she looks/acts/behaves like any other normal baby.

I don’t know if many of you remember Ella’s dramatic entrance into the world: at 37 weeks my doctor feared my placenta had stopped working and decided she would be better off outside of my body rather than inside. For the latter half of my pregnancy, she was measuring small and I had a low-lying placenta (meaning it’s very low in the uterus, and can cover the cervix and cause preterm labor), but it righted itself (as they tend to do in most cases) and wasn’t an issue again until the very end. Now that we are in the thick of these delays, it makes sense that maybe Ella just needed to “bake” a little longer. At 37 weeks she was “technically” full-term, but I read somewhere that 5 pounds, 8 ounces (Ella’s birth weight) is the weight that determines whether a baby is a preemie or not!

Of course, you all know that she came home with us and spent no time in the NICU, but thinking back on her short life some patterns have emerged. She took forever to hold her head up during tummy time – much longer than Charlie. And she’s just teeny. They weighed her on Monday and she’s a flat 18 pounds – at 14 1/2 weeks! She’s not even forward-facing in her car seat yet!!

So it’s obviously great news that her delay may just be an issue of needing more time. And that I can handle and I know the therapy is doing wonders for her and I’m thrilled with the progress. But the eating thing is still a mystery, even to this woman, who is a specialist!!

There is no physical reason why Ella won’t feed herself. She has an excellent pincer grasp, has no sensory/texture issues, and is able to pick up anything she wants to. We’ve seen her lift things to her mouth, albeit slowly, but still. We got the ok from the doc to let one meal a day be an opportunity for her to feed herself, meaning no help from me. This is where that extra dose of patience comes in – she cried through lunch yesterday and it is so hard to listen to.

I need big prayers!! I really don’t know how much more I can take. I’m hoping that our “experiment” will produce great results. Trying to stay positive and remain calm. I would appreciate your prayers and am always hoping for a miracle!!

The house is a mess. We’ve spent the whole morning packing up Christmas, and I swear, the bins from last year have multiplied. Now the front of the house looks so empty!

Last night was a ball. Our dear friends Casey and Creighton came over with their sweet boy Marshall and spent the night with us. We thought it’d be a great way to celebrate the New Year without having to hire sitters and pay for an expensive meal. Instead, Creighton cooked these amazing steaks on the grill and Casey and Vann outdid themselves with a meal fit for a king. After the kids went down, we drank, played games, laughed, ate, and reminisced about the very first New Year’s we spent together, back in 2004. Ages ago!

Vann and I had just started dating – I would say we were in a very fragile state (you know, where you haven’t had the DTR convo – “Determining The Relationship”??) and I’m sure I was VERY nervous meeting all of his close friends for the first time. He had a party at his condo in downtown Chicago, and I distinctly remember feeling particularly fluttery about that New Year’s kiss. The next morning we met up with C & C for a traditional New Year’s Day brunch (you know, black-eyed peas and turnip greens?) and I got all dolled up (again, trying to impress) and I remember Casey showed up casual and I’m sure she thought I was REALLY into Vann at that point. We had a good laugh last night as I texted her before they came over and asked if she would be offended if I stayed in my comfies for dinner…to which she responded back, “I would be offended if you DIDN’T stay in your comfies!” Thattagirl.

So we renewed an old tradition by ringing in the new year with our great friends, truly, like family. We love you guys!

Ok, so I know it’s time to start talking resolutions, so here goes:

I really only have a couple. The first is to be fully engaged in community. This means our new life group at church, my MOPS group, my new and old friends, and all of the special women I’ve had the pleasure to meet since I’ve been here. Fully engaged. Do you know we didn’t make it to church once in December? I know. Shameful, right? What with sickness and company, we just didn’t get there…so that’s definitely something I want to improve on.

The other thing, or maybe things, as these have to do with each other – is to be kinder to myself and to take care of myself more. Anyone who knows me knows that I have issues with body image. My mother, God love her, has always had struggles in this area, so I grew up listening to her criticize herself. Of course this affected me – how could it not? I thought I would have a handle on it (my negative self-image) by the time I reached 30…and I don’t know if it’s the years of having my looks judged while pursuing a career in theatre and commercial work…facing rejection and not being able to compartmentalize…well, yuck and YUCK. Guess what, sister?? 33 is right around the corner. Who wants to live that way??

I’ve been hanging onto this little bit of Charlie weight since, well, she was born and I’m just so done with feeling sorry for myself. And here’s the thing, it’s so not about a number on the scale. Since I’ve been doing this bootcamp I’ve seen muscles in my arms I didn’t know I had. Now THAT’S a great feeling. I want to be in the best shape of my LIFE – and that means strong, and healthy, and comfortable in my clothes and in my own skin. So I set a goal for myself. My birthday, March 11th, is in 10 weeks, and I want to reach my goal by then. No more excuses. No more beating myself up.

I’m considering the monkey bread I’m eating right now to be the sayonara to 2010 – and I’m enjoying every bite of it, knowing I’m hitting it hard again this week. I’m ready to walk this new path, and I’m tired of killing myself because I have a bowl of ice cream. If I really want to do something about it, I have to actively change it. I have that power.

So that’s it. Fully engage, in community, in body, and in spirit. Doable, right??

Last night Vann and I were enjoying the last 10 minutes of our recent Netflix rental when I heard a faint “Mommy!” coming from upstairs. I find Charlie burning up and a bit disoriented in her bed – out of nowhere this fever came – and proceeded to give her Motrin and then get thrown up on.

Yep. Merry Christmas, right? We called our peds office and a nurse told us to try the Motrin once more (which we did) and if she threw up again (which she did), switch over to Tylenol suppositories (yep…I said it) and watch her till morning (except of course if her fever spiked).

Never having purchased Tylenol suppositories before, I went on the hunt (at midnight) for a 24 hour Walgreens, got turned around and drove 30 minutes out of the way (because our Walgreens conveniently closes at 10), finally found said medicine and had to explain to Vann what they are and how you use them. I’ve never seen such a deer in headlights before.

I’m just kidding though – you should have seen Vann comforting our sick girl last night. Covered in vomit (sorry, can’t find a nicer way to say it), he didn’t even flinch, and reassured her and made her feel safe. Poor thing was so upset (I mean, wouldn’t you be??) and all she wanted was her Daddy and he held her most of the night, even though I know he was screaming inside for a shower. I can’t say that I would have been as patient.

This morning she seems to be holding her Motrin, and the nurse said a bug was going around and to watch her today – so it looks like our playdates for the week are cancelled and it’s a “Max & Ruby” marathon for us all.

2010 was a tough one for the Bischoff’s. We started out the year with a newborn and a massive case of post-partum depression mixed in with a little seasonal sadness (me), moved ourselves cross-country in two 16 foot trucks (Vann and his Dad, driving through the night) and lived apart from each other for part of the summer, then had our first home-buying experience tainted by the jerky sellers of our home, and finished up with wading through the waters of debt (because of said cross-country move/home-buying experience) for the first time in our marriage and wanting to cry every time I look at our “net worth” on Quicken. Oh, and let’s not forget the stresses of Ella’s developmental struggles.

But here’s the good news: God is bigger than all of that, isn’t He? Despite all of these harsh realities of life, some amazing things happened too. And the most important lesson I’ve learned in 2010 is that I am married to the most patient, understanding, loving man who just so happens to be my best friend and a wonderful father. And if anything good came out of last night’s adventures, it would be an appreciation for him and our precious girls.

So here’s hoping that 2011 is a bit easier on us. I’m not sad to see 2010 go.

We are war buddies, Vann and I. And we made it through. And God is good. And Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior – the most important thing to remember this most blessed of weekends.

Merry Christmas, friends.

A.

Just wanted you to know.

Yesterday, Charlie and I returned from our weekend in Comfort, Texas (a teeny town in the Hill Country, by San Antonio) visiting my older brother’s family. My sweet niece and nephew…I mean, how lucky am I that I get to see them now more than once a year??!! We ate a lot of peppermint ice cream, shopped the darling streets of Fredericksburg (so happy I got some killer things for Forever 21 prices!) and the best part? Watching Charlie and her cousins LIVE.IT.UP. I didn’t have cousins my age growing up…so I get all excited thinking of the three of them (and Baby E, of course) becoming best friends.

God has shown up in some amazing ways lately…this bootcamp I’ve been taking at Charlie’s school (pretty convenient that they have childcare for E and it’s right after I drop both girls off at their respective rooms) has also resulted in some new friends…who led me to a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group that happens to meet at a church around the corner from our house. I went a couple weeks ago, and guess who was there? My new small group leader’s wife. Oh! And a few gals who live in the hood, one being a Pepsico employee. I mean…really, God?

Also, I braved my second mom’s night out in the hood (this time a Christmas party at someone’s house) and it was so much fun. It is SO scary putting yourself out there…but I really feel like it’s coming back on me tenfold. And I haven’t even mentioned my new sweet friend Michelle and her lovely husband Michael…we went to dinner with them a couple weekends ago and I think we’ve found kindred spirits. How fun!

Vann stayed home with E this past weekend and met up with Rhonda, our new occupational therapist (OT). He took a ton of notes…I haven’t had the energy to get the full scoop yet, but I know she’s given us exercises to work on until we start meeting with her weekly on Wednesdays next year. I am feeling a bit more calm today…maybe the time away was what I needed to recharge my batteries.

We are finally starting to put some things up on the walls. I’m hanging lanterns in the girl’s bathroom. The two 16 x 20 prints of the girls we had framed are ready for pick-up. I’m ready to bring some warmth up in here!!

Ciao for now.

Thanks to all of you for praying for Baby Ella and checking in to see how her evaluation went…it means more than you know.

So, here’s the scoop:

The therapists (one occupational, one speech) came over and spent about two hours observing Ella. I fed her lunch and she roamed a bit afterwards – they asked a crazy amount of questions and did a lot of scribbling in their notebooks. They were lovely – really made me feel at ease (especially after I greeted them by saying, “Ok, so I’m really nervous” while talking a mile a minute).

Ella is testing out at 9 months for some of her gross motor skills. She is not pulling up to standing or “cruising” yet, although since they were here she’s done a ton of pulling up to “high knees” (where her little behind is up off the floor) and seems to be slowly progressing in that area on her own. For her self-help, or “adaptive” skills, she is testing out at 7 months, but only because of her lack of self-feeding skills. After observing her during lunchtime, the OT seemed to think this particular issue might just be an issue of will – she likes to be fed, pure and simple. Is she just being stubborn, perhaps? I was relieved to find out that she doesn’t appear to have any texture issues and it’s a really good sign that she eats a variety of foods. I decided today to put her through a little feeding bootcamp and put plenty of food on her tray but did not feed it to her. So far, two meals down and we have a very cranky baby. Not sure if we’ll have success but I thought it was worth a try.

I was also really pleased to find that her social/emotional/speech skills are at a 12-14 month level. I told Vann – this proves she’s my child. Ha.

After the two hours were up, the therapists determined she officially “qualifies” for services. Starting next week, she’ll have weekly sessions. The good news is that given we’ve addressed this so early, she should hopefully be caught up in no time.

We do have an appointment scheduled with a developmental pediatrician. Apparently, these people are booked up 6 months in advance – when I first called they didn’t have anything until April. Yesterday, the office called to say they’d had a cancellation – January 17th. I took the appointment, hoping with all my heart that in a month’s time we won’t need it. I don’t know why, but the words “developmental pediatrician” feel like a weight sitting on my chest.

So I think that catches us up to speed.

Thanksgiving has come and went – for the first time hosting (ever), I’d say it went off without a hitch. I loved having a house full of family; Charlie and her cousins running amok and quality time spent with my brothers and sister-in-law’s. This is what we came here for.

And now the weather has finally turned and we light our fireplace every night. Our whole neighborhood was out on Sunday, putting out Christmas lights and wreaths – and last night we took our time driving home from a playdate, looking into all of the beautiful homes and admiring all of the sparkling trees inside.

So all I could muster up on Wednesday for my sweet baby girl’s birthday was a collection of pictures. I just couldn’t write that day – so much going through my head and so much to process. We had her 12 month check-up and were given a reco for a developmental pediatrician. She’s not self-feeding and is also not pulling up (in her crib or otherwise), pointing, or clapping. One of these things alone might not illicit much concern, but all of them combined have me a bit crazed right now. Like I’ve said before, all other signs point to the fact that Ella is a normal one year old. She’s crawling everywhere, getting into everything, babbles constantly, recognizes our pictures, so many other sweet and wonderful things. And I know that this is not the worst thing in the world – that she possibly just needs a little help to connect the dots and continue moving forward in her development. And maybe, I just need a brain break from it all…some time to pray and process and be quiet. There is a lot of noise in my head. No matter what, it’s NEVER easy to hear there is something wrong with your child.What’s amazing in all of this is God’s timing, as always. We had always planned on painting our kitchen and guest room this next week in preparation for the holidays. My Mom is keeping Ella for a week, starting this Sunday, and I’m just so thankful! Not only will Ella get someone’s undivided attention, but Mom can work with her on some of these things and help her begin to use the sippy cup (as we hope to wean off bottles soon) and will certainly have the patience and fresh eyes to do so.So I’m gonna say something that could be controversial: I can’t help but question if this is a result of something I’ve done. Have I not stimulated her little mind enough? Have I not given her enough attention? My heart is heavy with these questions and like I said, my brain is full of noise.I’ve never painted a room before, but I welcome the time to “lose” myself a bit this next week. Charlie has school, Vann will be at work…just some time alone with my thoughts and God. Hoping He shows me…well…something this week. My dear and precious friend Megan told me Wednesday that sometimes God doesn’t give us an answer, no matter how much we want to “fix” something. These are those times of total dependence I was talking about. Trust in His perfect plan for my girl. Trust that she’s going to be exactly who God made her to be. Please join me in praying for sweet Ella this week. Pray for a miracle! Pray for a breakthrough! Pray for our time with the ECI therapist on the 24th. Pray for some answers, so we know how to proceed. I think I’ll take a break from blogging for now – A