Be Still My Heart

My beloved Oilily has returned! It’s now back in the hands of the original owners after years of financial difficulties and gasp – bankruptcy. Thankfully, I’ve been able to get my fix on eBay but this is even better…new lines! Most of you know I got hooked on Oilily before I ever had kids – Charlie and Ella’s Aunt M’Emily worked there for years as a manager and always had the cutest stuff (their women’s bags are amazing!). Once she had her own little girl (cousin Dali) we were very fortunate to receive her well-loved hand-me-down’s. Seriously, it is an obsession for me.
Last fall I lucked into a bunch of it on major sale and have all those pretties hanging in the closet, just begging to be worn. Luckily I have peanuts for girls and they are able to wear everything for at least two seasons. This fall’s line is called “Gipsy Tales of Winter” and you can see a sneak peek here. I don’t know if any of you saw Baby Gap’s “St. Petersburg” line from last fall/winter…very much the same; matroushka dolls, blue velvets, deep red tones and russian accents. I didn’t buy much of St. Pete’s because Ella was a newborn…but I plan on stocking up on her size this next fall/winter season. Keeping in mind we are soon to have a much shorter winter in Texas – I know that I need to keep it to a minimum, but you’d better believe that the little plaid bag with the gipsy girl on it will be mine (er…Charlie’s!). And don’t you just love the little freckled redheads in the campaign??!

Reflection

These last few days have been really strange for me. In the midst of purging one of our basement storage units, I unearthed a box of old journals. I wasn’t quite sure if I should keep them or not…didn’t know if it was appropriate…or even healthy to hold onto the past. before I made that decision, I decided to sit down with a cup of coffee during naptime and go through them.

I should say that I kept very detailed journals…wrote on company letterhead when I was temping and then rubber cemented the pages into a book, circled things in magazines and glued those in between prose…wrote under all types of circumstances and in all environments. If you asked anyone who has grown up with me about my writing, they would tell you I often emailed middle-of-the-night musings and sent them out to everyone in my inbox. Why I felt the need to share my deepest thoughts and longings with the world, I don’t know.

I should also say that I’m not proud of the things I found in those pages…the words of a very confused and impossible girl. And the drama? Oh, you would think it was all part of one of those terrible Lifetime movie miniseries. Things were SO important, the hurts were SO big, and the disappointments were great. And I haven’t even mentioned the language…enough to make anyone blush.

Reflection has come upon me this week. It dawned on me that I will be leaving Chicago 10 years almost to the day I moved here, straight off the turnip truck. My plan was always to go to grad school…and from there, who knows, be a Star maybe? I got very close to getting into the school of my dreams, a conservatory in Denver that only accepts 3 women a YEAR (or at least they did at the time), out of hundreds…flew to the callback, auditioned in front of the entire faculty and student body. I was one of 7 women, I think…most of them breathtaking on and off the stage.

I’ll never understand how I made it there, I think back to my college career and my work here in the city, and I’m not sure I was ever very good. I think I had a ton of drive, and I was a workhorse, and I loved Shakesperean verse like nothing else in my life. Truly, it was my calling at the time. But did I have the raw talent it takes to truly succeed? Maybe, maybe not. As it turns out, I didn’t make it into my dream school. I was crushed. Heartbroken. Instead, I moved to Chicago, knowing only one person, my friend Courtney from school. And maybe I spent the next three years trying to make up for that disappointment.

Whatever it was, somehow God led me to Vann…through the pain, and the horrible choices, and the questionable habits. God was still faithful to deliver me. I haven’t auditioned in over 3 years…and all of those connections I made pounding the streets have faded away. All that sweat, all those tears.

I think of something that a woman at Park (our church) told the crowd at a women’s conference a couple years ago…to the mothers: God doesn’t forget about your dreams while you are raising your children. He doesn’t forget your heart, what you are passionate about, what you long for. I hope that’s true.

I never accomplished what I originally set out to do. What does that say about me? What do I teach my daughters about following [their] dreams? Oh, I “worked” and I had some amazing experiences, took some killer classes with people I greatly admired (and still do), and got to audition for places like Chicago Shakespeare and Steppenwolf. And I guess along the way, I found myself…and I found God.

All of this to say, my heart is heavy with the hurts of the past…for things my naive 22 year old self said to people who are no longer friends, and for the sweet ones who still put up with me after all these years…for choices I made that I truly, truly regret. And for whatever reason I want to reach out to those people and make things right. Vann told me that I need to forgive myself…that everyone goes through those crazy “20’s” years and lives to tell about it. What I do know is that I’m sorry to those people and I wish I could sit down with my 22 year old self and tell her to get a grip.

Like I said, reflection. Can’t help myself.

A Natural Consequence

Um, yes…that is a cat scratch on Charlie’s eyelid. I won’t name names, but a certain BLACK cat with social anxiety asserted her personal space yesterday, and it’s a good thing Charlie closed her eye. What do you do? I mean, it’s a natural consequence that if she teases them they will eventually let her know it’s not ok. Chasing the cats through the apartment is her new favorite activity. It may be a good thing that they will be separated from each other for part of the summer.

Today was a treat – a trip to Wendy’s with her bff Lindsay and some Frosty goodness…all down the front of her Oilily. Welcome, Summer!

Slow Monday

Can you stand the cuteness of these two girls? Our good friend Ms. Megan brought over Baby Emma to hang out last week, and let me just tell you, that kiddo is ALL cheeks. She is quite possibly the cutest baby I’ve ever seen…I just want to squeeze her!!

Busy weekend. We’ve begun the process of packing, slowly but surely. Our progress was helped greatly by the fact that three years ago, when we moved into this apartment, Vann convinced me to hang onto all of the original packaging that our wedding china and various other breakable gifts were shipped to us in. I had forgotten this, so when we drug it all up the other night, I was pleasantly surprised to find that everything was there, down to the tissue paper and bubble wrap. How lucky is that? I am a huge purger, so no doubt if it weren’t for Vann’s genius forethought, it would have all ended up in a recycle bin. Whew.

We’ve almost got all of the china and crystal packed and once that’s done Ms. Liz is taking the cabinet we have loved and used these past three years. We are trying to downsize considering we are doing the moving, so a lot of the furniture we have is going (and it’s a fun excuse to buy new stuff!). I have a call into one of the local charities that takes furniture donations and will even come to your house and haul it away for you. They’ll be taking two dressers, a bed frame, and Vann’s beloved sleeper sofa…again, a casualty of moving ourselves and a good thing considering it’s a monster to lift. Poor Vann. He’s had that thing for 15 years. Don’t tell him, but I’m not too sad to see it go. It has a permanent saggy spot right in the middle and it’s really not the most comfortable thing to sit on. Oh well, all the more reason to buy a lovely and plush sectional after we move…a couch that the two of us can lounge on together…what a concept!!

We decided we are going to take the video camera and make a little documentary about the apartment and all of it’s…um…challenges. Truthfully though, this place has been good to us and we attempted to de-clutter it as much as possible this past weekend to help our landlord show it to a few people. Hopefully it will be rented within the week and we can breathe a little easier.

All of that said, I admit I am having a slow start to the week. I have been taking a boot camp-like class with my trainer (“phat camp” with a ph) Mon, Wed, and Fri mornings and I just couldn’t get my butt in gear this morning. At the moment we are officially skipping Charlie’s swim class. Instead, Ella is napping, Charlie is watching “Cars” and I’m blogging. I’m sure we’ll make our way outside when it’s a bit warmer this afternoon. We got so spoiled with the 60-70 degree weather and the past week it’s been back in the 40’s and low 50’s. What’s up with that?? Texas weather, I welcome you (although you can keep those 100 degree days)…

Not a whole lot more packing can be done until Charlie is gone and we can use her room as box storage…plus the fact that she’s super particular and would most likely melt down if she saw us moving anything in her room. Better for her to think she’s just going to Mimi and Poppy’s for vacay, right?? We’ll do a little bit here and there until then…after all, that’s now only three weeks away.

Off to find something productive to do…

The Stars at Night

Well, it’s finally here. The moment we (the Bischoff’s) have been waiting for. All of the praying and hoping and waiting and it looks like we are Texas-bound as of June 1st.

People have asked me, “Are you excited???!!!” and I definitely am…believe me, when I think about all of the fun changes ahead my toes start to tingle a bit…but there is so much to do and I honestly don’t know where to begin.

Chicago has been my home for 10 years. I met my husband here. I gave birth to both of my girls here. I have lived in Lincoln Park, Streeterville, and Lincoln Square. I have eaten the best food. I have worked (and been fired from) countless jobs and mastered public transportation. I have been part of a fantastic church and have met and done life with some of the most spectacular people…people that it will wrench my heart to say goodbye to. So many emotions, so little time.

I have a fun project I’m planning to do as my send-off to Chitown…more on that later…but rest assured it will be a trip down memory lane.

We’ve been binging a bit on real estate (which you know is totally new to me and so much fun) and when I think about the SPACE, oh…it just sends me right over the edge. I am so proud of my amazing husband and his talent and drive. He is going to be a huge success…even though in my book, he’s already one here at home.

So, get ready, Tejas…the Bischoff’s are comin’ home!!