{"id":46,"date":"2012-02-02T07:19:00","date_gmt":"2012-02-02T07:19:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/almostjuliet.com\/index.php\/2012\/02\/epiphany\/"},"modified":"2018-04-21T17:22:22","modified_gmt":"2018-04-21T17:22:22","slug":"epiphany","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/almostjuliet.com\/index.php\/2012\/02\/epiphany\/","title":{"rendered":"Epiphany."},"content":{"rendered":"

Pressure.  Familiar with it?  I am.  I put it on myself all.the.time.  For the last, oh, year, I\u2019ve been in this \u201cdo we\/don\u2019t we\u201d place about a 3rd baby.  In the deepest parts of my heart I do want a baby\u2026yes, of course I want a baby.  I want to meet that 5th member of our family.  Some days I ache for that sweet baby smell.  More often though, I am treading water.  The ocean of motherhood threatens to swallow me up \u2013 and I wonder how in the world I can parent another child when I feel as though I\u2019m failing with the two that I already have. Today, I was thinking.  Putzing around my house after drop-off \u2013 no agenda, just me.  And the cat.  And an empty, quiet house.    I realized I was going over a pro\/con list in my head.  And it went something like this: Squishy new baby skin.  Pro.<\/strong><\/em> Lack of sleep.  For like, a long time.  Con.<\/strong><\/em> The excitement of a new beginning \u2013 a life.  An addition to our family.  Pro.<\/strong><\/em> Having more independence in our grasp.  Ella potty-training sometime this year (hopefully), both girls learning how to dress themselves, fix their own dinners, do their taxes.  Pro?  For waiting, yes.<\/strong><\/em> 9 months wine-free.  Definitely Con. <\/strong><\/em> A 2 year old just starting to figure out her place in the family \u2013 and then having to adjust to this teeny being that\u2019s come to take her place as the \u201cbaby\u201d (been here, done this, not sure I recommend \u2013 2 years apart can be ROUGH)\u2026Con.<\/strong><\/em> And as I\u2019m thinking and weighing and thinking some more \u2013 I remembered what I said to Vann a week ago, \u201cI\u2019m so sick of talking about this.  If we\u2019re going to do it, let\u2019s just pull the trigger already!!\u201d Huh. Does THAT sound like a good reason to have a baby?? No, no it doesn\u2019t. Here\u2019s the deal \u2013 I\u2019ve been coming up with all kinds of excuses: \u201cWell, we really don\u2019t want to have another car payment this year.\u201d \u201cI definitely don\u2019t want to be sick on my birthday.\u201d \u201cMaybe we should<\/em> take that trip to Canada.\u201d \u201cYeah, I\u2019m just not at my goal weight yet.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m turning 34 in March.\u201d \u201cI really want things to stabilize around here.\u201d Etc\u2026 Etc\u2026 As my mind is churning I get in the car and head up to school to pick up the girls.  I call Vann.  A: \u201cI know we keep going back and forth but I really think that XYZ yada yada yada\u2026\u201d V: Pause.  \u201cWhat I\u2019m hearing, is that maybe you\u2019re just not ready.\u201d A: Pause. V: \u201cAm I wrong?\u201d A: Pause.  \u201cNo.\u201d   And it\u2019s like the light bulb in my brain went CLICK.  Because I\u2019ve been masking my true feelings with all of these excuses \u2013 and whether they\u2019re valid or not \u2013 I really need to call it what it is and say it\u2026out loud\u2026 I\u2019M NOT READY.  Age be damned.  In my mind I\u2019ve had this \u201cend-point\u201d to pregnancies \u2013 35.  The \u201cscary\u201d number.  Don\u2019t tell me you haven\u2019t thought it too (and you know I mean no disrespect to my friends who have had sweet, precious babies after 35) but 35 is the \u201cscary\u201d number.  \u201cAdvanced Maternal Age.\u201d  Isn\u2019t that what they<\/em> call it?? I\u2019ve been putting all kinds of pressure on myself to figure out this baby thing before I hit my scary number.  My personal scary number.  It doesn\u2019t have to be YOURS.  But it is MINE.  And here\u2019s what \u2013 in all this worry and fretting over my scary number \u2013 I\u2019m forgetting the JOY that\u2019s involved in wanting to have a baby in the first place. The bottom line is that we should have a 3rd baby when we are so excited we just can\u2019t wait any longer.  When we know that the time is right.  Because truly, it is all ordained by God anyway, isn\u2019t it?  I mean, isn\u2019t it really just about giving it to Him and waiting on His<\/em> timing??  After Vann and I talked I realized something else\u2026when we ultimately decided to table this discussion \u2013 really, table it fully \u2013 for 6 months, well, I felt\u2026 Relieved<\/em>.  Yep.  I said it. I breathed a big sigh of relief.  Oh, Good Lord, THANK YOU. Because I\u2019m not ready.  Bottom line.  If I weren\u2019t so worried about my scary number I would say we\u2019re waiting a year and leave it at that.  Well\u2026who\u2019s to say that still can\u2019t be true?  I still feel like our family isn\u2019t complete.  But I\u2019m over trying to make it all happen in MY timing. Stick it, scary number.  I\u2019m over you and all of your stupid pressure.  Move along.  Nothing to see here. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Pressure.  Familiar with it?  I am.  I put it on myself all.the.time.  For the last, oh, year, I\u2019ve been in this \u201cdo we\/don\u2019t we\u201d place about a 3rd baby.  In the deepest parts of my heart I do want a baby\u2026yes, of course I want a baby.  I want to meet that 5th member of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-46","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/almostjuliet.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/almostjuliet.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/almostjuliet.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/almostjuliet.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/almostjuliet.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=46"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/almostjuliet.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1166,"href":"https:\/\/almostjuliet.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46\/revisions\/1166"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/almostjuliet.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=46"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/almostjuliet.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=46"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/almostjuliet.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=46"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}