It’s time for a change.

My creative side, the side of me that pounded the pavement of Chicago with no apologies and no fear, has been dormant for over 4 years. And while I know my life has changed forever, I need to find a way to tap into that side of me that longs to be heard and seen.

So I’m going to be taking this blog in a new direction. Just an FYI for those of you that follow the musings of this complicated, frazzled, wanting-to-be-liked mother of two small girls – the Chicklets, as they shall now be called.

Coming Soon!!

I’ve never been a very faithful person. It’s a good thing I married a man who is.

Even though I am surrounded by people that love me – it’s so weird how easy it is to feel very alone. This week, sweet friends have really reminded me what faith is about…or, maybe, what it’s not about. Hebrews 11:1 says that “faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Faith isn’t about what God does for us but who He is. So in these moments when I feel alone, when I feel like nothing is happening or progressing – that’s when God is His most present.

I know I’ve said this before, but being a mom to small children can be very isolating. This is why mom’s groups and MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) exist: we simply can’t do it alone. I know there are a lot of blogs out there that make motherhood look perfect – that’s never been me nor will it ever be. I like to call it like it is because maybe, just maybe, someone else needs to know that they aren’t alone – that it’s totally normal to feel frustrated and inconvenienced and burdened at times.

What I was reminded of this week was that even if I feel like I am totally alone – God is there, standing by as I change diapers and pack lunches and give spankings and kiss boo-boo’s. When I think that nothing is happening with Ella and it seems bleak to me – God is there, with His hand on my shoulder as I step out of the room to take a breath when I feel like I might explode.

We have two pieces to Ella’s therapy:

1. Feeding

2. Physical – pulling up, cruising, walking

What has come to our attention this past week is that ECI, as wonderful as they are, may not be meeting the feeding needs we have – that’s where Baylor’s feeding clinic comes in. For friends who have prayed for the little surprises (Michelle) – we have received so much positive feedback about Baylor that we are very anxious to get Ella in for her evaluations. We have them scheduled, OT (occupational therapy – sensory, etc.) and PT (the actual physical movements of eating/bringing the food to her mouth) for the week after next.

I realize that this is a positive thing – the fact that we don’t have to wait months – but I am impatient and frankly, Ella is 15 months old and it’s time to do something drastic because it’s time for the girl to feed herself. It’s time. Get how I think it’s time??

The physical part of her therapy is being met by Ms. Rhonda, but we have been stalled the past few weeks because of the ice storms and Ella’s ear infection. So, not much has progressed this month.

The biggest question we have is, does it benefit her to be working on both things right now? Obviously, the feeding issue is priority #1. I don’t want to pause her physical therapy, but depending on the time commitment in regards to Baylor – well, there are only so many hours in the day and so many days in the week. And this mama needs “me” time, time with friends, a life – as do the girls. This is something I will probably ruminate about in the coming weeks, but my loving husband encouraged me to not let myself spin out of control, as I am wont to do 9 times out of 10. My greatest fear is being stuck in this house with therapists and a 3 year old with cabin fever and truly feel like a prisoner. See?? See how I spin??

I’ve heard that the people at Baylor take their job very seriously, that the parents are often the ones that struggle the most – you know, handing their kids off to the experts. I say, bring it. Please, take her! I recognize my limitations and I am fried. I need help!!

I have really missed my Chicago community this week. I think that has made everything a little bit harder – that although I have met so many lovely people here I would give anything to walk into my old mom’s group and sit down and cry and pray and work through it. The familiar…is comforting. Being the new girl and having to explain myself all the time…is not.

I just want to move on from this. If there is no glaring reason why Ella can’t feed herself, then damnit, let’s just move on from this!

It’s time. This next week I’m going to work on remembering that God is with me, always and forever, never changing. And I will try to have faith. I will really, really try.

I’m trying my best to keep it together today. I’m afraid I’ve already left some pretty tearful messages.

I’ll be brief: We had Baby Ella’s 15 month check-up today and her weight has basically stalled. She’s gained only a few ounces since November. Our doc told us not to panic – and I’m really trying not to – but it’s hard when you realize that this might be bigger than you can reasonably handle.

We’ve gotten a referral to Baylor Hospital’s pediatric feeding clinic. It actually looks pretty amazing – I was concerned it was only a place for severe cases but it appears they deal with all sorts of feeding problems (behavioral, etc). I’ve left a message and hopefully will hear something back soon.

About 95% of me really wants to feel sorry for myself right now. But Marla reminded me that this might be just what we need to find our way out of this mess. And if we have experts at our disposal, maybe it’s time to seek out that expertise.

So I’m sorry that I haven’t taken any recent pics of the girls, and I’m sorry that this is Valentine’s Day and I have no cute post about the adorable heart dress Charlie is wearing today. I just ask for your prayers as we navigate through this time. We really, really need them!!

Remember our snow day last week? Well, it turned into a snow WEEK. To make matters worse, both girls started getting sick and then Vann and I caught the crud. On Thursday the roads were supposed to be a TAD better – although the whole Dallas/Ft. Worth area was at a standstill because neighborhoods weren’t being salted and the roads were sheets of ice. Literally, you couldn’t even drive down your street! And as it turns out, apparently Dallas doesn’t even use salt – they think it’s bad for the roads – and instead use SAND. Which you know is a big, muddy mess when things start to melt.

Anyway, the funniest part about it was how unified everyone was. Facebook is an amazing thing. We couldn’t leave our homes, so we had a running commentary on what each and every person was doing to survive their day. My fellow mommies, especially, were using every trick in the book to keep their kids occupied without going crazy. And every day, right around happy hour, you’d see mobile uploads of homemade martinis and bloody mary’s – and we’d all drink together, knowing we weren’t the only ones.

So when Thursday rolled around and Vann and I were getting worse and I saw a window, I took it. We piled in the car and the girls and I drove the treacherous tollway south to the heart of Dallas. And when I say treacherous, I really mean it. It was a sheet of ice. I drove very slow and prayed. The whole time.

Once I made it into the city the roads were better. I headed east on I-20 towards Tyler and it was a piece of cake the rest of the way.

The next day, Baby Ella took a turn for the worst. She couldn’t be consoled and was obviously miserable. Mom said she saw her pulling on her ear, so I ran her up to the urgent care clinic, literally, 10 minutes before they closed. Ear infection. Perfect.

Saturday Charlie woke up with a fever of 102. At this point, I’m like, what else?? Really?? How can you not laugh?? I had brought a viral plague into my parent’s home.

Back to urgent care we went, basically to rule out strep, and Charlie was fine – just a virus, nothing more. We ended up driving home first thing Sunday, and thankfully, my Mom still wanted to keep Ella, even with her immense crankiness (and poor thing, who can blame her for feeling yucky!). Mom has been getting up throughout the night with her, rocking her to sleep and giving her antibiotics. That’s what I call love.

Selfishly I am glad that Charlie and I can be lazy and stay in bed today. It would be much harder to do that with a roaming and curious baby. We are planning on staying in our pj’s today, and I might eat chocolate cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Praying that we are all on the mend very soon.

I’m gonna say something that might be tad controversial.

My daughter, Ella? Yeah, you know, the really cute one with the Cindy Lou who do?

I don’t like her very much.

There, I said it. Am I a terrible mom for admitting the way I really feel about my darling baby?

Today was a snow day. Texans don’t know how to deal with ice and snow and when a big storm comes through it pretty much debilitates us all. I think I can say this (after 10 years of living in the frozen tundra, I’ve earned it), thank the LORD Vann was home today because not being able to get out of the house with these kids just about drove me over the edge.

Knowing that I’m just days away from dropping my darling child off with her grandmother isn’t helping my patience (kind of like when you put in your notice at a job and have to work two more weeks??)…in fact, with the weather we may be heading to Mimi’s house a day or two early. We’ve got a lot going on next week, so I’m shipping her off.

Here’s the thing: she whines. All. day. long. I know she appears to be an angel, but I swear to you, she’s a little rascal who is hell-bent on world destruction.

No. I’m just kidding. It’s partly the age. The year between 1 and 2 is so freakin’ tough. Unless you are blessed with an “angel baby” (and we aren’t friends anymore if you are/were) you KNOW what I’m talking about. What is it? “Little people with BIG emotions”. We are trying to teach her some sign language, but I’m not sure she’s really into that. Vann thinks maybe she’s just our more “sensitive” child. Which means we may have to “handle” her differently. Guess who THAT sounds like?? I’ll give you a clue: she’s blonde and is addicted to Lululemon hoodies, Louis Vuitton handbags, and US Weekly.

On a more serious note…the lack of sunlight today had a palpable affect on my spirit. I felt…sad. Like, what if we are in this stage for a long time? Because right now, it is incredibly exhausting giving and giving and giving and getting so little (a smile, for instance) in return. I have dear friends who have shouldered so much worse in regards to their kids. But to us, this is big! And sometimes seems, insurmountable.

But, I take heart – God must have known what we needed because Mimi is just a short drive away.

And, just to clarify – just because you don’t like someone, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them. I would throw myself in front of a bus to protect her (and her sister, for that matter) – I just wish she’d chill out and give me a BREAK, for goodness sakes.