This weekend marks a very bittersweet anniversary.  On this day a year ago, our apartment was totally boxed up and ready to load.  The girls were safely in Texas already, and Vann and I were saying our last goodbyes to the city that was our home and the birthplace of our family.  I will never, ever forget that feeling – a year from this coming Sunday I stood in our alley and kissed my hubby goodbye and watched he and his Dad drive away, two 16 foot trucks filled with our worldly possessions.  I said thank you to our motley crew of sweet men who came to help us, fighting to hold back the tears but ultimately losing it in front of them, causing lots of shuffling feet and sidehugs.  I sobbed as I made my way up the back porch into our empty apartment – this precious home where we walked through so much happiness and so much struggle.  I stayed back for the weekend to clean and hand in our keys. I just re-read this post about our old home and man, I am in tears once again.  A whole year has passed in the blink of an eye and yet it still feels like it happened just yesterday. I watched Oprah’s finale last night, and one thing she said really resonated with my heart: "I’ve talked to nearly 30,000 people on this show, and all 30,000 had one thing in common: They all wanted validation. If I could reach through this television and sit on your sofa or sit on a stool in your kitchen right now, I would tell you that every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?” I felt like God knocked me upside the head.  I’m laying in bed with Vann next to me asleep, and I’m crying, and in my mind I’m screaming, “Oh Thank the Lord it’s not just me!” A year ago one journey was ending and a new one was beginning.  We left the safe place, we knew the rules, we knew how to play the game, in Chicago. I admit, I don’t know how to play the game yet here in our new life.  But that doesn’t mean I won’t learn.  And I know that God is always here, waiting for me to be still…and listen.

So what does one do when it’s 2 am and you can’t sleep??  Google 4 year old birthday party themes, that’s what!!  I almost can’t believe it myself – is it possible that Charlie will really be 4 years old in September??  (And yes, I do realize that it’s only the end of May.  I like to plan ahead sometimes.) When she turned 1 we had a backyard Aloha extravaganza.  Then, when she turned 2 her party was “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” themed and may I say, SO cute – right down to the golden ticket invitations, the fabulous cake, and the long researched outfit. Last year we had literally JUST moved and it was such a crazy time.  I reluctantly decided to go low-key (for both girls, I might add, Ella had a teeny family party for her 1st birthday last November).  It was so hard!!  I do realize that I am entering into the world of kid-chosen themes vs. mommy-chosen themes, but check out what I found anyway.  Do you think I can talk her into any of these?? DinoFour! DinoROAR! Totoro (Charlie is very recently into the “Japanese Disney” Studio Ghibli movies – Totoro, from “My Neighbor Totoro” is a giant wood spirit.  Yes, charming and trippy all at the same time.) Down in the Garden or, dare I suggest – a Kenga party?? Which of these do you think matches my spunky girl’s personality?? Oh!  And you know what??  My sis-in-law inspired me to potentially…wait for it… make.my.own.cake.  Can you see me rolling out fondant and making little marzipan penguins??  Now, THAT would be something to see!!  Better keep the wine corked till after the fact!!

Saw “Bridesmaids” tonight.  HIGHLY recommend.  Warning: crass, rude, all of the things you know you shouldn’t really laugh at but do.  Underneath the bathroom humor there was a lot of warmth and truth and real life.  Truly.  It is an incredibly funny film and Kristen Wiig – I mean, she might be my new hero.  The girl is brilliant.  So I think I might be sabotaging myself.  I know, I kinda just came out with that – but it’s almost been a year that we moved from sweet home Chicago and I find that I am somewhat afraid to let new friends “in” – as if I’m just saving myself the rejection I feel I will ultimately have.  Why, I don’t know.  I really, really wish I did.  I miss those “all access” kind of friendships.  The kind where you can show up at that person’s house with a bottle of vino and a box of kleenex (at 10 pm, mind you) and just have it out – not with each other but with LIFE.  It’s probably no wonder I’m struggling – I spent the better part of my 20’s in the city and I don’t have the luxury of “growing up” with the gals I’ve met here – although, believe me, God has really provided and been faithful – but I wonder if I’m holding people at arm’s length – which is SO not like me.  I usually dive in headfirst. Something to examine, to be sure.  Because what if people get to know me and they don’t like what they see? What if? I think “this” feeling is the feeling I hope to shield my daughters during their childhood/teenage years.  I’ve been the “new girl” a lot in my life – granted, my 33 year old “new girl” experience is a lot less traumatic than my 15 year old “new girl” experience – but still.  If I can help it – I’d love to know that my girls will not have to suffer the heartbreak of saying goodbye and starting over. Don’t get me wrong – I know that we are exactly where we need to be and I’m not sorry about moving and I don’t have regrets, at all.  I’m just learning to navigate this new life.  And, just to be clear, this has nothing to do with the outside world but all to do with me.  What, exactly, is stopping me from building meaningful relationships?  What, exactly, am I so afraid of? Here’s the thing: I recognize that as a 33 year old woman and mother of two that my “story” is a valuable one and that I have just as much to contribute as the next person. A verse I’ve always loved is Psalms 139:14.  It says: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Fearfully and Wonderfully. So basically with great awe and astonishing wonder, God created me. Whose voice am I really listening to?

So a few weeks ago I was trying to decide whether or not I should volunteer for the steering team of my MOPS group (that’s Mothers of Preschoolers – and if you are a mama of little ones you should DEFINITELY join!).  Vann and I were talking about it and he said, “Well, you ARE an experienced Mom now.  You really do have something to contribute!” Huh.  Experienced, you say??  Sometimes – no wait – MOST of the time I feel like I’m barely hanging on.  So to say that I’m an “experienced” Mom now seems very foreign.  And so, in honor of Mother’s Day, I give you: Amanda’s Do’s and Don’ts of Expert Motherhood 1.  Do let your 3 year old make her own breakfast.  Then you can sleep a little longer. 2.  Don’t EVER, whatever you do, be on time for ANYTHING.  Always leave your house with only 5 minutes to spare.  Really.  It makes the day go so much smoother. 3.  Do throw Nemo fruit snacks and M & M’s at your child.  All day long.  Just to get them to STOP bothering you. 4.  Do forget about ever having the time to read a book.  Give up that dream, sista. 5.  Or, just get your magazine reading fix in while your children pummel each other.  Every so often you can look up and yell, “Stop that!” or “Seriously??” just to get your point across. 6.  Do beware the witching hour(s) between 3 pm and 5:30 pm.  These will seem like the longest hours of your life, but I promise, if you have another Mom to drink with, the time will pass by much quicker. 7.  Do invest in cute baseball caps. 8.  Do leave your Mom “trappings” all over your house.  Really.  Your husband will LOVE it.  That includes but is not limited to: Hoodies, Flip Flops, your Blackberry, and your iPod which you are constantly uploading with new Disney music. 9.  Don’t let your stash of emergency junk food get low.  Sometimes all it takes to feel more in control is to stand in your pantry and binge on chocolate-covered Peeps. 10.  And finally, Do take a deep breath and take it all in – because the days are long but the years are short, as “they” say.  Someday you will actually be able to go to the potty in peace – but where’s the fun in that?? Happy Mother’s Day.