Saw “Bridesmaids” tonight.  HIGHLY recommend.  Warning: crass, rude, all of the things you know you shouldn’t really laugh at but do.  Underneath the bathroom humor there was a lot of warmth and truth and real life.  Truly.  It is an incredibly funny film and Kristen Wiig – I mean, she might be my new hero.  The girl is brilliant.  So I think I might be sabotaging myself.  I know, I kinda just came out with that – but it’s almost been a year that we moved from sweet home Chicago and I find that I am somewhat afraid to let new friends “in” – as if I’m just saving myself the rejection I feel I will ultimately have.  Why, I don’t know.  I really, really wish I did.  I miss those “all access” kind of friendships.  The kind where you can show up at that person’s house with a bottle of vino and a box of kleenex (at 10 pm, mind you) and just have it out – not with each other but with LIFE.  It’s probably no wonder I’m struggling – I spent the better part of my 20’s in the city and I don’t have the luxury of “growing up” with the gals I’ve met here – although, believe me, God has really provided and been faithful – but I wonder if I’m holding people at arm’s length – which is SO not like me.  I usually dive in headfirst. Something to examine, to be sure.  Because what if people get to know me and they don’t like what they see? What if? I think “this” feeling is the feeling I hope to shield my daughters during their childhood/teenage years.  I’ve been the “new girl” a lot in my life – granted, my 33 year old “new girl” experience is a lot less traumatic than my 15 year old “new girl” experience – but still.  If I can help it – I’d love to know that my girls will not have to suffer the heartbreak of saying goodbye and starting over. Don’t get me wrong – I know that we are exactly where we need to be and I’m not sorry about moving and I don’t have regrets, at all.  I’m just learning to navigate this new life.  And, just to be clear, this has nothing to do with the outside world but all to do with me.  What, exactly, is stopping me from building meaningful relationships?  What, exactly, am I so afraid of? Here’s the thing: I recognize that as a 33 year old woman and mother of two that my “story” is a valuable one and that I have just as much to contribute as the next person. A verse I’ve always loved is Psalms 139:14.  It says: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Fearfully and Wonderfully. So basically with great awe and astonishing wonder, God created me. Whose voice am I really listening to?