When it rains, it pours – doesn’t it?  I hesitate to complain about my life because I know there are families out there who are dealing with SO much more than we are…but as this is our life, our story, I know it is just as valid.  The foundation repair man did not deliver good news.  As he very carefully slid the clipboard across the table, I steeled myself for the worst case scenario.  As it turns out, I guess it COULD be worse, although only slightly: the front of our house has sunk and it is going to cost us a small fortune to fix it.  24 concrete piers installed under our home.  Apparently they jack it up just like a car with a flat tire.   The good news, the silver lining, if there is one, is that the repair comes with a lifetime transferrable warranty, which means that we never have to worry about it again – and neither do the future owners of our home.  I guess you could say that it increases the value of our home, as we’ve learned this type of issue is extremely common in North Texas.  Super fun!!  Ironically, after I saw the number I felt this peace come over me – at least we know now, and it has to be fixed.  No getting around this one.  And I thought, well God, how’re we gonna pay for this??  The logical thing to do is pray.  Pray for a solution, pray for a money tree, pray for a do-able part time job for me to help things along…the emotional thing that I want to do is cry.  And yet, as I’ve been maneuvering through this issue of our finances and tithing, I do feel in my bones that the Lord will provide.  I think I get it now. To add insult to injury, I got sick pretty much right after our Chicago trip and was laid up in bed the days the girls were in school.  As soon as I started feeling better, both girls got sick and Charlie especially has been battling a high fever and viral yuckiness.  Which doesn’t make the strain on our marriage easier.  In my mind, Vann gets to be out in the world, yes, slaying dragons and all that – but is still able to avoid cleaning the vomit off the loveseat and keeping the little germ-fests from breathing on each other. And at some point, I think I’ve probably given up: let them watch entirely too much TV, given them entirely too many treats for no reason except to keep them quiet, sent them upstairs to play while I crawl into bed and put my earphones in, zoning out to Pinterest and my marathon of “Friday Night Lights”. I’m surprised they aren’t fixing themselves dinner at this point, too.  So this morning, when I finally sat down to do my church bible study (we are working through “Stuck” by Jennie Allen), mad that I had to miss it on Tuesday – my heart wasn’t feeling like getting un-stuck.  Sometimes it just feels better to stay put, you know?  More comfortable, less risky.  There is one section that asks you to jot down the “areas [you] feel successful” in your life and the “areas [you] are insecure” about.  Here’s what I wrote: areas I am insecure housekeeper homemaker writer wife mother friend Guess what the other column said?  areas I feel successful [blank] yes, it’s blank.  It’s because I’m feeling pretty mediocre about all of my ‘”jobs”.  Not feeling like I’m succeeding at anything right now.  Wishing I could be more for my family but a lot of times struggling to get even one thing accomplished.  And yet, there is grace: Philippians 2:12-13 says, “Work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” See, God doesn’t ask me to be perfect – quite the opposite, He is with me through my failures and discouragement.  He knows my heart and my desire to provide a loving home for my family.  He knows I experience a daily struggle about giving my career up to be a mom.  He knows I rarely clean my bathrooms and have a stack of junk mail and paperwork on my desk at all times.  He knows I am weak in the world and that buying things makes me feel better.  He knows I am guilty of letting the TV be the babysitter, more times than I’d like to admit.  He knows that I deeply long for a calling in my life to touch people’s hearts through my own insecurities and hope that translates into a viable career someday.  He knows that I am often jealous of other writer’s blogs that I admire, that I wish I could be so pulled together and articulate with words.  That I wish I had 5000 followers and could write a book that people all over the country would buy and love.  He knows that I want to experience all the goodness He has for me, that the secret might just be coming to Him with my “stuck” places and laying them out, trembling, for the world to see. So, here’s to getting “unstuck”, to baring those things we aren’t proud of, to sharing our hearts in all their mediocre glory. Where are you “stuck” today?

So, home ownership?  Turns out it kinda bites sometimes.  I hope I’m not alone on this one.  Most of our downstairs is tile, so it seemed reasonable to have some cracks here and there in our 10 year old home.  Not a big deal because we plan on replacing the tile and old carpet with shiny new wood floors SOMEDAY – so we just thought, why fix the cracks when we’ll jackhammer it all out eventually anyway?? Well, my Dad, being the handyman that he is, noticed some other things: slight cracks in the drywall in places, a new tile crack in the hall bath at the front of the house, a seam in one of our kitchen countertops raised ever so slightly – all of these things minor but when we followed the path it went straight through the center of our house.  It was so hot last summer, and with the limits on watering it’s possible it’s just an issue of the ground being dry – but an issue nonetheless, which we felt like we shouldn’t wait on getting evaluated.  So we did our research, and we have a guy coming out next Wednesday to take a look.  And I’m just so pissed about it.  At first I thought, “What will people think when they see we have cracks in our tile?  Will they think our house was poorly built and we don’t take care of it??”  But then after I asked around I figured out that a lot of people have dealt with foundation issues, and just as basement floodings are par for the course in Chicago, dry, shifting ground seems to be a Texas issue.  Of course, it doesn’t help that: A.  I have an overactive imagination.  I’ve had dreams that the middle of our house opens up like a fault line, yawning and groaning and swallowing up all of our furniture and worldly possessions, never to be seen again.  I know.  B.  We came back from our wonderful Chicago vacation and I got sick almost immediately.  On the plane ride back the guy seated to the right of me sneezed and I swear I felt it on my cheek.  (Sorry, I hesitated revealing that little piece of joyous news.)  Makes me think that next time I fly I should wear a hoodie up over my head.  My Mom says there’s no way I got sick that instantaneously, but you know, I’ve watched enough “Outbreak” type movies, so, yeah. Nothing like being sick and facing a potentially very expensive house issue to make you want to hide under the covers, hoping it all goes away.  I guess I’m pretty blessed that I have an even-keeled husband.  After 6 1/2 years of marriage, he’s used to talking me off the ledge…and this is no different.  I think he put his arm around me and said “It’s going to be ok” like 10 times yesterday.  Here’s the thing: as we navigate through these early years of home ownership, I know that we aren’t the first and we certainly won’t be the last.  This is just part of it.  But I really have to check myself and pray because these are the times when the devil relishes in my weakness.  He knows I’m a pretty easy target.  I’m just one fingertip’s push from the yawning, groaning abyss of worry.  So I have to work extra hard to remember who’s really in control here and just how blessed I am, even in the midst of cracked tiles and foundation evaluations.  Praying for minimal damage – under our house and in my heart.