I think it’s safe to say I’ve struggled with contentment most of my adult life. At first, it was chasing down a dream of success and fame – starting out as a big fish in a small pond and then jumping headfirst into the ocean and having no idea how to swim. Wanting to be recognized for the talent I was sure I had – but unsure of how to live with the scrutiny of the sharks. But God was there. Then it was wanting to find someone who would cherish me, love me, take care of me. Someone who would walk me to my door at the end of a date, remember my birthday, make me feel like I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. Someone who wanted me to be “the” one. God was there, through all those sleepless nights. After I married my best friend – well, babies, of course! Girls. Especially girls. I wanted to hold an extension of myself in my arms. To be a mother. To love something, really love something, give anything for and to this tiny person that was half Vann, half me. God was there, as I delivered two baby girls over the course of four years. Both healthy, teeny, fiery, salty, spirited, precious creations. Our apartment in the city was too small. I wanted to be closer to family, to my Mom and Dad. I wanted to be able to drive to see my brothers, sister-in-law’s, niece and nephew. I wanted to feel the warmth and safety of suburban life. The space, the ability to stretch out and grow if we so desired. And yep, God was there – in the midst of a cross-country move and our first house and all that entailed starting from scratch. And so here we are. We’re in our spacious home, and we have all that we could EVER need – and I find that I still struggle with and focus on the things that I DON’T have versus the things that I DO have. For instance: why isn’t MY tree as beautifully decorated as her tree? Why is she able to afford those shoes and I can’t? Why aren’t we able to take that big trip we’d like to take, and they can? Why did we buy a house that needs updating? What if it takes us awhile to redo our bathroom and replace the appliances in our kitchen? Why is that person doing that play and I’m not? Why is that person able to sing like that and I can’t? And of course, why is she skinnier than me, able to eat more junk food than me, sporting those Cameron Diaz arms I covet so much – oh, the list goes on and on. But here’s the truth: the Devil loves this. He LOVES this. He can’t believe how great his luck is – I’m his perfect target. All he has to do is whisper one lie and my brain goes into free-fall. It only takes one little push. And he’s won. But only for the moment, because God is there. And this morning, during worship at church, my heart was stirred. Through the music, the singing, the clapping, the heavenly praise, I felt God’s presence. His gentle hand on my shoulder. His loving embrace. Here’s another truth: NONE OF IT MATTERS. Do you get that? I’m pretty hard-headed and I’m almost 34 years old – but I think I’m beginning to understand. So I wish I had been the next Kate Winslet, so I wish I could eat donuts until I’m blue in the face and not gain an ounce, so I wish I kept a cleaner home, so I wish I never yelled at my children. SO.WHAT? What matters, truly, is that I am loved by the Son of God. He sees the big picture. He knows what my purpose is on this Earth. He has trusted me with this life, this family, this home – and all of this is exactly what He has for me, where I’m supposed to be, right now. He is the One who is supposed to sustain me. Not a pair of red-soled shoes, hand-scraped hardwood floors, or a prestigious role on Broadway. And when I can finally get that through my thick skull, hopefully the rest of it will fade away. It won’t matter. Because He matters. Holy are you, God Holy is Your name With everything I’ve got, My heart will sing how I love You…
The Boudoir Post.
How in the world I survived years of casting calls and commercial auditions is BEYOND me. I guess I was just braver then. The thought of it now brings shivers down my spine – literally. I have enough trouble getting dressed for carpool drop-off for goodness sakes (did I really just say carpool drop-off??)! Ok, to start things off – I never did find that “perfect” thing to wear. You know how sometimes you have to find something to wear to a wedding or something and you only have a small window to shop and not only are you panicked about said garment fitting but the dressing room lights make everything seem more terrifying?? Add that feeling to the one you’d have trying on jeans and/or swimsuits (God forbid) and somebody just give me a drink already. I got a little lost finding the place – and of course couldn’t go in without coffee so a Starbucks detour was a must. When I arrived, the makeup girl was waiting for me and I promptly sat my butt in the artist’s chair and let her go to town. Ever had glamour shots made? Oh yeah, I did baby. Have you ever popped that collar? I seem to remember wearing a RED denim jacket. And there might have been a velvet choker. Don’t worry, this gal had a lot more experience than the makeup “artist” at the Tyler Glamour Shots, but it just brings to mind the AMOUNT of makeup that I had on my face and the fact that it was airbrushed on. Oh yes, if you’ve never had THAT done before… My hair was BIG, y’all. That was the one thing I told the girl – BIG hair. Messy, bedhead-y. I looked in the mirror when she was done, and I gotta say, I was a little bit…well, shocked, to say the least. I didn’t look like me – but it was me – this doppelganger. When the photographer arrived, we went over my wardrobe choices and the makeup artist left so it was just the two of us. It dawned on me that she’s seen everything so I pretty much walked around in my skivvies and I thought of Charlie and how she likes to run around naked about once a day – yeah, felt pretty good, I’m not gonna lie. The shoot went by super fast and the photog made me feel really comfortable – a few times she had me in poses that seemed awkward but now that I see the pics I get it. I never thought all those years of watching “America’s Next Top Model” would pay off, but guess what – they DID. Ha! Booty Tooch, anyone?? So here’s what I learned from my boudoir experience: I wish that I had felt more comfortable to er, show a little more skin, but I just had to accept that this is where I am in my life right now and let’s be honest: after two c-section’s my skin is more akin to a shar-pei than a Victoria’s Secret model. I will say that what she did was VERY tasteful and I think I would do it again – maybe after I’ve had all my plastic surgery (you think I’m kidding) and I’m reclaiming my body after a decade of birthin’ babies. I’d think I’d like to revisit this experience again someday. So there you have it. A keepsake for my honey and a snapshot in time. I promptly took my full makeup and lashes to the grocery store and bought everything for Thanksgiving dinner. That was awesome. After all, it’s how all the celebrities do it, y’all.
Chitown.
Boo-dwar, y’all.
Ok, so it’s the day I’ve been mentally preparing for. I’ve struggled whether I should share this here – it is a private decision – but in the spirit of honesty (and in the event any of you might choose to do the same thing) I’ll spill it. Last spring I took Charlie to this really cute mother/daughter tea. There were tons of silent auctions – from date nights in hotels to spa days – and one in particular caught my attention. It was for a boudoir photography session. Yes, I said it. Boudoir. What is that, you may be wondering?
The dictionary defines it as “a woman’s bedroom or private sitting room”. It’s basically a sassy photography session – you, lingerie (or not), meant for the eyes of your loved one.
I’ve heard of it before – even known a girl who did it – and I was intrigued but I walked away and bid on something else. I couldn’t get it out of my head though…I mean, when (other than your wedding day) do you have the opportunity to feel like a supermodel? Especially when you’re covered in baby goo most of the time? I’ve never done this before but I’ve certainly had my share of having my headshot taken, here (good heavens, who is this skinny girl???!!!!): and here: Mix in a couple other times and a smattering of modeling experience and oh yeah, my bridal portrait: aaand that’s my history with the camera. I’ve had my hair and makeup done and felt pampered for the day. But, all with my clothes on – only by the grace of God, I always say! I’m really surprised I had the chutzpah to walk back over to the table and put my name down to win the boudoir session. And guess what? I must have been the only gal brave enough because I won it and scheduled it back in the summer and now we’re HERE. It’s TODAY. So I had this mental breakdown earlier in the week (um, who wouldn’t??) about what to wear/buy/bring and finally settled on a couple (I think) good options. I’m walking into this COMPLETELY blind. And it’s a good thing they serve free champagne because I have a feeling I’m going to be needing a lot of it. Wish me luck!
Ella’s Elmo Birthday!
Have you ever seen a cake this cute??? Our celebration for little E was a quiet one this year – just Mimi and Poppy and the four of us – lots of red pom-poms and balloons and this stellar Elmo cake from Tart Pastry Boutique & Studio here in Dallas. My sweet friend Michelle came through for me in a huge way – all I did was send her a picture from Pinterest and she completely took over from there. And the best part?? The inside was vanilla cake with strawberry filling. Uh, what?? Maybe someday my dream of making my own cake will be realized. For now, I’ll just leave it to the experts. You’ll be happy to know that Ella is now caught up to other kiddos her age. She still has some communication issues (as in, should have more words by this point and should be using more two word phrases) and will continue to receive early childhood intervention (ECI) services for those. Cognitively and in every other way she is officially 2. Pretty great progress for our little peanut since this time last year. Happy birthday to my sweet, spunky, and recently snuggly (yay for me!) 2 year old!!
Two.
I don’t know why, but I always feel a little misty when I come home from hanging out with girlfriends. Maybe it’s the year that’s passed by in a blink, maybe it’s the lifetime of memories we left behind in Chicago, maybe it’s the thankfulness I feel to be loved and supported by so many wonderful women out there…whatever it is…I’m grateful for the time away to just be myself. That girl…the one that exists apart from motherhood. Ella turns two on Thursday. I wish I could say I have better memories of her birth…sadly, the murkiness of post-partum does a pretty good job of clouding those up. What I do know about birthdays is that I am often reflective – and this one is kind of major because Charlie turned two about two months before Ella was born – which would mean I would be about 8 months pregnant right now if we had decided to have a third baby on the same time frame. If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you’d know that where a third child is concerned, I am often conflicted. Vann and I have been blessed with an easy road as far as fertility goes. I am completely and totally aware and grateful for this. I came from a family of three siblings, so for me, having a third seems like a very normal progression – in the sense that someone is still “missing” from our family. Where I am hung up is in the area of my selfishness. I like my wine. I’ve worked my butt off all summer and finally have a body I am excited to dress for a night out. I love “shopping” in my closet. Seriously, this is a first for me, post-children. Pregnancy is not easy. Your body is not your own. Having a third baby affects the rhythm of our daily life. It affects sleep. It requires a bigger car, the switching of bedrooms, starting over. 12 weeks of morning sickness so bad you lose 10 pounds because you literally can’t eat anything other than Super Pretzels, stretch marks, leaky boobs, less control of your bladder (you all know I’m right). Yikes. Am I really ready to go down this road again?? And yet, I turn 34 in the spring. So – NOT that 34 is old – my beautiful and savvy 40 year old friends, this is for you – I see you having a life again after you drop your kiddos off at “real school” and I’m jealous. Part of me looks forward to that independence – to having “my” time back. To nurturing myself again. So there’s the conundrum. And to be honest, I haven’t fully figured it out yet. The jury is still out. For now, I’m going to enjoy this second glass of Pinot Noir and my new jeans and think about it another day. And enjoy and celebrate my baby girl who is turning two. Because she deserves my full attention today.
It’s the Great Pumpkin, Mickey Mouse.
So Halloween has now become a challenge for me – what will Charlie dream up to wear and how in the world will I make it possible? Last year she requested a “pink dinosaur”. Let me just tell you – I searched high and low for that costume and finally found one on eBay. This year, she was waffling, one day it would be Blu, the bird from “Rio”, one day it would be Lightning McQueen, one day she even told me she wanted to be a “blackbird”. ??? Strange little mind, that one.
I finally made her narrow her list down and she chose Mickey Mouse. Not too difficult, especially when I was in The Disney Store and came across the most fabulous Mickey you’d find. Complete the ensemble with a black tee, black leggings, yellow Crocs and Voila:
And sweet Ella – well, I’m afraid she’s still at the age where she has no choice, so:
My reluctant Minnie won’t keep the ears on to save her life. Here’s hoping I can sneak some type of pic on Monday.
I leave you with a spooky Halloween tale: one that will make your teeth chatter and your knees knock. One of a trip through madness and possibly, candy addiction??
Both girls had parties yesterday, Charlie in the morning and Ella at 2. At the end of the day, I chose to hit Ella’s party first and then walk over to pick Charlie up instead of my normal way, which is to pick my mostly independent child up first and then park as close as possible to the toddler building so I don’t have to carry my mostly always screaming crankypants baby too far to the car. This would probably be fine THIS ONE TIME except for the fact that Ella ONLY wants to walk. She doesn’t want to go in the stroller, or be carried, anymore, period.
And did I mention she’s SLOW??? Bless her heart, her little legs only move so fast – not super conducive to racing to be somewhere (as I am want to do).
I look up at the clock and realize we have 5 minutes to collect her things and haul a** over to the “big” building to Charlie. So we start the long, slow walk and of course I get impatient and try to pick her up to which she starts screaming bloody murder. Keep in mind I have her backpack, her napmat, and her Halloween treat bag – and I’m starting to sweat. Because it’s 60 degrees and I’m wearing a scarf AND hat. I know.
I steel my resolve at the door and just try to make it out alive head into the building and up the stairs. We grab Charlie and her backpack, napmat, and Halloween treat bag and make the long, slow walk back down the stairs and outside.
At this point I’m sweating like a house on fire and ruing Halloween and my children. I order Charlie to stay right behind me crossing the parking lot (as I have no hands for her to hold) and again put my screaming toddler in the football hold and finally make it to the car. By the time I get them both strapped into their carseats I need a stiff drink and a ride to the loony bin. Because I am just that much of a multi-tasker.
I’ve been drinking ever since. Oh, and bingeing on Reese’s Piece’s and mini Twix’s, as I am want to do this time of year.
Happy Halloween, to you and yours!!
I’m linking up with Tracy at Sellabit Mum and Jessica at Four Plus an Angel!! Grab the button and join the fun!!
Hoarders: Buried Alive with the Perfect Pout.
So, I have a bit of a hoarding problem. Before I had kids, there was really one of two things that made my heart skip a beat. Expensive handbags (although I didn’t have the money to buy them) and this: Makeup. Luckily, I have a friend who shares my obsession (EMILY, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE), and for many years we enabled each other during all those trips to Sephora and the Nordstrom MAC counter. In fact, I even had birthday parties in my 20’s that revolved around makeover’s at Saks. And as we left the store I would oh so subtly pass by the Dior counter and take a gander at the lovely ladies who stacked the shelves. *Sigh* So the other day I was reading this article about the “shelf life” of makeup. Ooops. Apparently the max you should keep any makeup is 2 years, tops, and that’s just powder. Lipsticks and eye shadows have an even shorter lifespan – like, 3 MONTHS. Well, that ruffled my hoarding feathers because…gulp…I’ve had some of these goodies for over 10 YEARS. And not that I use it all, mind you. I’ve just never met something sparkly that I didn’t like. So I felt like it was probably time to let some of it go. Sad face. And let me just say, this doesn’t even include the gargantuan nail polish collection I own – OR the bags upon bags of samples I threw out when we moved. Clinique Bonus Time, anyone?? Here’s some good news though – MAC has a recycling program. Did you know that? You can trade in 6 of your (primary packaged, doesn’t include pencils) items for 1 brand spankin’ new lipgloss, lipstick, eye shadow, what have you. Look at how green I am!! I’m trading in 24 pieces!! I admit, little girl’s clothing has taken over my life these past 4 years. But I do still love a good stroll through Sephora and I ALWAYS buy new lipgloss palettes when MAC releases their holiday collection. ALWAYS. Which is like…NOW!!
Frightfully Annoying.
Oh yes, your friend Amanda (aka Martha, Part Deux), attempted a treat for a girl’s night coming up this week. I was made to believe that these were “frightfully easy”. Really? Then how come they are supposed to look like this: and came out looking like this: Might be a good idea next time to use chocolate that actually MELTS. AND have enough so these little Caspers are fully robed. It’s like a Nutter Butter peepshow up in here.
The Reluctant DIY’er.
Ok, so I’ve never been much of a DIY’er (that’s a “Do it Yourself-er”) – admittedly I probably don’t give myself enough credit – you know, that I can actually carry out a project to completion. Maybe I’m just afraid to fail? Yep, I bet that’s it. My parents are amazing that way – they can seriously do anything they set their minds to. Anything. So it didn’t surprise me that my Dad had yet another brilliant idea for increasing the value of our home. There is a long closet in our garage that we keep seasonal decorations in, and it’s kind of awkward – most of it isn’t being used in an efficient way. So one day we are standing in the garage and my Dad suggests we knock down the wall between the laundry room and garage closet, seal up the outer door and have it open from the inside – basically creating a second pantry that’s accessible from the laundry room. Sound confusing? Maybe these pictures will help: Before. Imagine that the garage closet is directly behind this wall. Now see what it looked like when my Dad busted through the wall this past weekend: See that walled up doorway on the right? Yeah, my Dad moved the door and put it here: I admit, I didn’t know what the end result would be – but I knew he had a vision. 24 hours later, he put up tons of shelving and this is what it looks like now: And in this picture, what you don’t see to the left is the space underneath our back staircase – so plenty of room for all those seasonal decorations. So this self-professed anti-DIY’er is GEEKED OUT about this pantry. Like, crazy pinning on Pinterest, gearing up for a trip to the Container Store, already painting samples on the walls, ready to tape and get those brushes moving, GEEKED. I’ve seen some AMAZING pantry re-do’s online and I am now SO excited to try my hand at this. Our plan for Pantry, Part Deux is to be the overflow storage for Pantry, Part Un and the most stacked up office closet you’ve ever seen. And when Pantry, Part Un looks like this: …I know this is going to be a big job. But I can’t WAIT to share pictures along this DIY journey. More pantry inspiration soon. Wish me luck!!