You know that show “SuperNanny”?? Yeah, well, I’m feeling like the bedraggled beaten down Mom who needs a major intervention. We’ve been having a behavioral “issue” with Charlie recently. Closer to 4 now than 3, she’s really been testing her boundaries. Lately she minds less when we are at other people’s houses. She has started “shushing” me (I know, I know) and has really discovered her sassy side (although not in a good way).

Now, having been a sassy little girl myself, I am somewhat empathetic…of my MOM and all the crap she had to deal with.

And apparently I’m somewhat of a push-over, which actually surprises me because I am a member of the spanking club and haven’t ever thought twice about it. But when it comes to the backtalk, I am filled with anxiety. Maybe it’s because I know the day will come when she discovers I’m not cool or fun…and when she graduates from high school I will have to trust the Holy Spirit and His presence in her heart and hope we raised her right and let her go.

So yeah, I know it is a little premature to be thinking about this when she’s…ahem…3…but I sometimes like to jump to the worst case scenerio…

Really??

Uh, yeaaaaaah. Just ask Vann.

Anyway, last night she threw a fit at swim class and refused to get into the water. Today she acted out at school.

Long story short, we spent the afternoon in a discipline downward spiral. Sassy backtalk = spanking. Screaming at me in the time-out chair = time-out till she calmed down. More sassy backtalk = spanking. Screaming at me about the spanking = time-out.

When we had all finally calmed down, I realized I was still pissed. Like, really mad that she got me that fired up. And when she came over to me and hugged me and said she was sorry, I thought, “Oh. So this is when I’m supposed to forgive her.”

Parenting is just…a biz-oh sometimes. It just IS. And anyone who tells you different is LYING to you.

I love Charlie, but I do not like having to be the bad guy. It is NO FUN. And when she’s moved on and is playing in the other room like nothing happened, I’m still seething. So I guess this is where Christ shows you a little bit of yourself through your children. If I’m going to love her like Christ loves me, then I can’t keep score and I have to forgive her, even when I really don’t feel like it.

Hmph.

Ohmigosh y’all, I got a wild hair last night and pulled about eight bags of clothes out of my closet. I was inspired by my good friend who said she cleaned out her closet and it felt so good to let go of all the things you save because you “might” wear it someday.

Just a few of the oh so special things I pulled:

–A black velvet “duster” with wide lapels and a satin liner. Don’t laugh at me – I begged my Mom for it in high school. It was from the store RAMPAGE and was like $70 or something! I LOVED that coat. It was super cool at the time! I PROMISE. (To really bug me, my older brother Evan used to say, “Oh, are you going on a RAMPAGE??”)

–A brown corduroy skirt with orange paisley trim that was actually a knock-off of a Marc Jacobs skirt I saw in Neiman’s on Michigan Avenue. I had been in Chicago for less than a year, and yes, I would wander through NM from time to time. $300 was certainly too much for a skirt – but lucky me! I found the $38 version at a boutique on Belmont Avenue.

–Hot pink ballet crocs. ??????

–An Esprit black “suit”. I wore this to all of my graduate school auditions. Why I have kept it I’ll never know. It is so teeny, CHARLIE could wear it.

Vann swears I gave up all of the really good stuff when we moved out of the condo before Charlie was born. He just reminded me of a dress that had cartoon characters on it??? I don’t remember said dress, but I’m not surprised. If it was trendy, I wore it. I frequented Contempo, Wet Seal, Rampage, you name it. And although I DO still shop at Forever 21 from time to time, I promise I’m only getting the really cute stuff. No striped neon, no mesh shirts.

Wait a minute… Did I just say “mesh shirt”??

Yes. Yes, I did.

So I’ve had a resurgence in motivation. Vann found me slack-jawed in front of the TV during our staycation – I discovered Turbofire and I think I’m addicted. Turns out that the founder of Turbofire, Chalene Johnson, is also the creator of the Turbokick boxing class at my gym.

It’s high impact cardio conditioning, and it is so fun!! Today’s class kicked my rear end to next week. The girl next to me told me that she’s been doing it for 6 weeks and she’s lost 11 pounds. Sign me up!!

I talked a big game last fall about reaching my “goal” by my 33rd birthday…and guess what?? Uh, my birthday was in March and I’m still unhappy with the state of things. The good news is that I joined a bootcamp last November and met some lovely women – and now have new friendships to show for it. Our bootcamp class ended a week ago so I was searching for a way to keep it moving.

So cross your fingers for me and say a quick prayer too. I’m working on quieting those “voices” in my head – the “noise” that keeps you from being kind to yourself.

And an update for all of you sweet friends out there who have supported us through Ella’s delays: I am pleased to report she has started pulling up and cruising!! She will also hold her sippy cup and drink out of it – and we are working on her mastering self-feeding for good. I think that God has done a major work in me – when she came back from staying with my Mom this last time my heart was so softened towards her. That may sound strange, but I was really needing a heart change towards my youngest. God graciously gave that to me!!

It was the dead of winter. The snow had turned to ice on the city sidewalks, and everyone I knew was hibernating. Baby Ella was just two months old, and I had been fighting like hell to get my breastfeeding issues under control. Infection after infection, I just couldn’t get it to “work”, and what’s worse, I had a doctor I couldn’t talk to. I felt paranoid every day, all day long, that I was just making it up in my head, forcing myself to fail. The worst part was that I dreaded each and every time I heard my sweet baby cry. My skin crawled. This precious gift from God and I wanted no part of her. I know that Vann felt very helpless. I know he was doing his best to remain strong for all of us. But all I felt was great pain. I was underwater, gasping for breath, praying for release. We made the decision to send Charlie to Tennessee for a week or so to give me a break from juggling two in the midst of everything. Vann was going to drive her to meet his parents somewhere in Indiana. And as he was packing the two of them up, something shorted out in my fragile brain. What if they never returned, and I was left here to care for this child all on my own?? In the midst of all of this chaos, Charlie had her first ear infection. When we finally diagnosed it, the urgent care clinic was 30 minutes from closing and Vann made a mad dash to get her there to be treated. I remember standing in the living room after he drove away. That pit in my stomach, which I can now recognize as hopelessness, was so palpable I could taste it, like grit in my teeth. The world was quiet, and all I could hear was the sound of my beating heart. I had been sucked down into the depths of deep, deep despair. I must have fallen to my knees…the details are fuzzy…but I do know that what I felt that day scared me to my core. Because, this was not my first rodeo, and I had faced these feelings before. Today in MOPS the speaker talked about her struggle with post-partum. It stirred my heart, brought back those not too distant memories. Luckily for me, during that scary time I had a strong support system to fall back on…and a loving God who wasn’t going to let me go. And now I feel a greater stirring in me, a piece of my heart forever linked to any woman walking through this kind of pain. Because really and truly, when you get past all of the facades of life and the things we do to compete and keep up – we are all just a step away from our own collapse, aren’t we? Things are never what they seem. And thank the Lord that He sees inside our hearts and loves us anyway.