So what does one do when it’s 2 am and you can’t sleep??  Google 4 year old birthday party themes, that’s what!!  I almost can’t believe it myself – is it possible that Charlie will really be 4 years old in September??  (And yes, I do realize that it’s only the end of May.  I like to plan ahead sometimes.) When she turned 1 we had a backyard Aloha extravaganza.  Then, when she turned 2 her party was “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” themed and may I say, SO cute – right down to the golden ticket invitations, the fabulous cake, and the long researched outfit. Last year we had literally JUST moved and it was such a crazy time.  I reluctantly decided to go low-key (for both girls, I might add, Ella had a teeny family party for her 1st birthday last November).  It was so hard!!  I do realize that I am entering into the world of kid-chosen themes vs. mommy-chosen themes, but check out what I found anyway.  Do you think I can talk her into any of these?? DinoFour! DinoROAR! Totoro (Charlie is very recently into the “Japanese Disney” Studio Ghibli movies – Totoro, from “My Neighbor Totoro” is a giant wood spirit.  Yes, charming and trippy all at the same time.) Down in the Garden or, dare I suggest – a Kenga party?? Which of these do you think matches my spunky girl’s personality?? Oh!  And you know what??  My sis-in-law inspired me to potentially…wait for it… make.my.own.cake.  Can you see me rolling out fondant and making little marzipan penguins??  Now, THAT would be something to see!!  Better keep the wine corked till after the fact!!

Saw “Bridesmaids” tonight.  HIGHLY recommend.  Warning: crass, rude, all of the things you know you shouldn’t really laugh at but do.  Underneath the bathroom humor there was a lot of warmth and truth and real life.  Truly.  It is an incredibly funny film and Kristen Wiig – I mean, she might be my new hero.  The girl is brilliant.  So I think I might be sabotaging myself.  I know, I kinda just came out with that – but it’s almost been a year that we moved from sweet home Chicago and I find that I am somewhat afraid to let new friends “in” – as if I’m just saving myself the rejection I feel I will ultimately have.  Why, I don’t know.  I really, really wish I did.  I miss those “all access” kind of friendships.  The kind where you can show up at that person’s house with a bottle of vino and a box of kleenex (at 10 pm, mind you) and just have it out – not with each other but with LIFE.  It’s probably no wonder I’m struggling – I spent the better part of my 20’s in the city and I don’t have the luxury of “growing up” with the gals I’ve met here – although, believe me, God has really provided and been faithful – but I wonder if I’m holding people at arm’s length – which is SO not like me.  I usually dive in headfirst. Something to examine, to be sure.  Because what if people get to know me and they don’t like what they see? What if? I think “this” feeling is the feeling I hope to shield my daughters during their childhood/teenage years.  I’ve been the “new girl” a lot in my life – granted, my 33 year old “new girl” experience is a lot less traumatic than my 15 year old “new girl” experience – but still.  If I can help it – I’d love to know that my girls will not have to suffer the heartbreak of saying goodbye and starting over. Don’t get me wrong – I know that we are exactly where we need to be and I’m not sorry about moving and I don’t have regrets, at all.  I’m just learning to navigate this new life.  And, just to be clear, this has nothing to do with the outside world but all to do with me.  What, exactly, is stopping me from building meaningful relationships?  What, exactly, am I so afraid of? Here’s the thing: I recognize that as a 33 year old woman and mother of two that my “story” is a valuable one and that I have just as much to contribute as the next person. A verse I’ve always loved is Psalms 139:14.  It says: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Fearfully and Wonderfully. So basically with great awe and astonishing wonder, God created me. Whose voice am I really listening to?

So a few weeks ago I was trying to decide whether or not I should volunteer for the steering team of my MOPS group (that’s Mothers of Preschoolers – and if you are a mama of little ones you should DEFINITELY join!).  Vann and I were talking about it and he said, “Well, you ARE an experienced Mom now.  You really do have something to contribute!” Huh.  Experienced, you say??  Sometimes – no wait – MOST of the time I feel like I’m barely hanging on.  So to say that I’m an “experienced” Mom now seems very foreign.  And so, in honor of Mother’s Day, I give you: Amanda’s Do’s and Don’ts of Expert Motherhood 1.  Do let your 3 year old make her own breakfast.  Then you can sleep a little longer. 2.  Don’t EVER, whatever you do, be on time for ANYTHING.  Always leave your house with only 5 minutes to spare.  Really.  It makes the day go so much smoother. 3.  Do throw Nemo fruit snacks and M & M’s at your child.  All day long.  Just to get them to STOP bothering you. 4.  Do forget about ever having the time to read a book.  Give up that dream, sista. 5.  Or, just get your magazine reading fix in while your children pummel each other.  Every so often you can look up and yell, “Stop that!” or “Seriously??” just to get your point across. 6.  Do beware the witching hour(s) between 3 pm and 5:30 pm.  These will seem like the longest hours of your life, but I promise, if you have another Mom to drink with, the time will pass by much quicker. 7.  Do invest in cute baseball caps. 8.  Do leave your Mom “trappings” all over your house.  Really.  Your husband will LOVE it.  That includes but is not limited to: Hoodies, Flip Flops, your Blackberry, and your iPod which you are constantly uploading with new Disney music. 9.  Don’t let your stash of emergency junk food get low.  Sometimes all it takes to feel more in control is to stand in your pantry and binge on chocolate-covered Peeps. 10.  And finally, Do take a deep breath and take it all in – because the days are long but the years are short, as “they” say.  Someday you will actually be able to go to the potty in peace – but where’s the fun in that?? Happy Mother’s Day.

You know that show “SuperNanny”?? Yeah, well, I’m feeling like the bedraggled beaten down Mom who needs a major intervention. We’ve been having a behavioral “issue” with Charlie recently. Closer to 4 now than 3, she’s really been testing her boundaries. Lately she minds less when we are at other people’s houses. She has started “shushing” me (I know, I know) and has really discovered her sassy side (although not in a good way).

Now, having been a sassy little girl myself, I am somewhat empathetic…of my MOM and all the crap she had to deal with.

And apparently I’m somewhat of a push-over, which actually surprises me because I am a member of the spanking club and haven’t ever thought twice about it. But when it comes to the backtalk, I am filled with anxiety. Maybe it’s because I know the day will come when she discovers I’m not cool or fun…and when she graduates from high school I will have to trust the Holy Spirit and His presence in her heart and hope we raised her right and let her go.

So yeah, I know it is a little premature to be thinking about this when she’s…ahem…3…but I sometimes like to jump to the worst case scenerio…

Really??

Uh, yeaaaaaah. Just ask Vann.

Anyway, last night she threw a fit at swim class and refused to get into the water. Today she acted out at school.

Long story short, we spent the afternoon in a discipline downward spiral. Sassy backtalk = spanking. Screaming at me in the time-out chair = time-out till she calmed down. More sassy backtalk = spanking. Screaming at me about the spanking = time-out.

When we had all finally calmed down, I realized I was still pissed. Like, really mad that she got me that fired up. And when she came over to me and hugged me and said she was sorry, I thought, “Oh. So this is when I’m supposed to forgive her.”

Parenting is just…a biz-oh sometimes. It just IS. And anyone who tells you different is LYING to you.

I love Charlie, but I do not like having to be the bad guy. It is NO FUN. And when she’s moved on and is playing in the other room like nothing happened, I’m still seething. So I guess this is where Christ shows you a little bit of yourself through your children. If I’m going to love her like Christ loves me, then I can’t keep score and I have to forgive her, even when I really don’t feel like it.

Hmph.

Ohmigosh y’all, I got a wild hair last night and pulled about eight bags of clothes out of my closet. I was inspired by my good friend who said she cleaned out her closet and it felt so good to let go of all the things you save because you “might” wear it someday.

Just a few of the oh so special things I pulled:

–A black velvet “duster” with wide lapels and a satin liner. Don’t laugh at me – I begged my Mom for it in high school. It was from the store RAMPAGE and was like $70 or something! I LOVED that coat. It was super cool at the time! I PROMISE. (To really bug me, my older brother Evan used to say, “Oh, are you going on a RAMPAGE??”)

–A brown corduroy skirt with orange paisley trim that was actually a knock-off of a Marc Jacobs skirt I saw in Neiman’s on Michigan Avenue. I had been in Chicago for less than a year, and yes, I would wander through NM from time to time. $300 was certainly too much for a skirt – but lucky me! I found the $38 version at a boutique on Belmont Avenue.

–Hot pink ballet crocs. ??????

–An Esprit black “suit”. I wore this to all of my graduate school auditions. Why I have kept it I’ll never know. It is so teeny, CHARLIE could wear it.

Vann swears I gave up all of the really good stuff when we moved out of the condo before Charlie was born. He just reminded me of a dress that had cartoon characters on it??? I don’t remember said dress, but I’m not surprised. If it was trendy, I wore it. I frequented Contempo, Wet Seal, Rampage, you name it. And although I DO still shop at Forever 21 from time to time, I promise I’m only getting the really cute stuff. No striped neon, no mesh shirts.

Wait a minute… Did I just say “mesh shirt”??

Yes. Yes, I did.

So I’ve had a resurgence in motivation. Vann found me slack-jawed in front of the TV during our staycation – I discovered Turbofire and I think I’m addicted. Turns out that the founder of Turbofire, Chalene Johnson, is also the creator of the Turbokick boxing class at my gym.

It’s high impact cardio conditioning, and it is so fun!! Today’s class kicked my rear end to next week. The girl next to me told me that she’s been doing it for 6 weeks and she’s lost 11 pounds. Sign me up!!

I talked a big game last fall about reaching my “goal” by my 33rd birthday…and guess what?? Uh, my birthday was in March and I’m still unhappy with the state of things. The good news is that I joined a bootcamp last November and met some lovely women – and now have new friendships to show for it. Our bootcamp class ended a week ago so I was searching for a way to keep it moving.

So cross your fingers for me and say a quick prayer too. I’m working on quieting those “voices” in my head – the “noise” that keeps you from being kind to yourself.

And an update for all of you sweet friends out there who have supported us through Ella’s delays: I am pleased to report she has started pulling up and cruising!! She will also hold her sippy cup and drink out of it – and we are working on her mastering self-feeding for good. I think that God has done a major work in me – when she came back from staying with my Mom this last time my heart was so softened towards her. That may sound strange, but I was really needing a heart change towards my youngest. God graciously gave that to me!!